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Some school leavers travel or work for a period of time instead of going directly to the university. What are the advantages and disadvantages? v.2

Some school leavers travel or work for a period of time instead of going directly to the university. What are the advantages and disadvantages? v. 2
These days gap year between school and university has been increasingly taking a grip in many countries. However, it has a lot of benefits such as work experience and having knowledge about a new language and culture, it has to confront with negatives like losing interest and poor utilization of money. An argument in favour of taking a year off than continuing tertiary education is it offers valuable work experience. Many students do a part-time or full-time job in order to earn money so that they can persist their further studies. Consequently, not only do such initiatives give good work experience, but also added in their curriculum vitae. Knowing the new culture and language is another imperative aspect of travelling overseas. Most students generally prefer to travel abroad for a short period of time before entering into university as it provides them with a chance to interpret new tradition and language, which is undeniably fruitful in future career prospects by being bilingual aspirants. There are many drawbacks of having a year off. The majority of youngsters have inclined to lose their interest since the significant purpose of the tertiary study is getting a well-paid job to satisfy their basic needs. However, accumulating funds while part-time job makes them able to fulfil their demands. As a result, they quit their studies. Moreover, such funds make them enable them to use in bad activities such as gambling, drinks and drugs. For example, a recent poll by the UK government reveals that 60% of total students who are independent got addicted to bad influences. In conclusion, although students get indispensable work experience by taking a year off between school and university education, it has also dealt with losing interest and addiction to bad habits.
These
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "days'" or "day's"?
days
gap
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
between school and university has been
increasingly
taking a grip in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries.
However
, it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
benefits such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
and having knowledge about a new language and culture, it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
confront with negatives like losing interest and poor utilization of money.

An argument in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of taking a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
Use "(off)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
off
than continuing tertiary education is it offers valuable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
do a part-time or full-time job in order to earn money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can persist their
further
studies.
Consequently
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
do such initiatives give
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
in their curriculum vitae. Knowing the new culture and language is another imperative aspect of travelling overseas. Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
generally
prefer to travel abroad for a short period of time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
entering into university as it provides them with a chance to interpret new tradition and language, which is
undeniably
fruitful in future career prospects by being bilingual aspirants.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
drawbacks of having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
off. The majority of youngsters have inclined to lose their interest since the significant purpose of the tertiary study is getting a well-paid job to satisfy their basic needs.
However
, accumulating funds while part-time job
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them able to fulfil their demands.
As a result
, they quit their studies.
Moreover
, such funds
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them enable them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
activities such as gambling, drinks and drugs.
For example
, a recent poll by the UK
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
reveals that 60% of total
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who are independent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
addicted to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
influences.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
indispensable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
by taking a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
off between school and university education, it has
also
dealt with losing interest and addiction to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
The joy of knowing a foreign language is inexpressible. I find it really difficult to express such joy in my mother tongue.
Munia Khan

IELTS essay Some school leavers travel or work for a period of time instead of going directly to the university. What are the advantages and disadvantages? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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