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Some say that it would be better if the majority of emloyees worked from home instead of travelling to a workplace everyday. Do you think the advantages of working from home outweigh the disadvantages. v.2

Some say that it would be better if the majority of emloyees worked from home instead of travelling to a workplace everyday. Do you think the advantages of working from home outweigh the disadvantages. v. 2
Recently, there has been an ongoing argument that working from home has more advantages for both employers and employees. This trend would introduce both pros and cons, but I think that it has more demerits when compared to the merits. There are a plethora of benefits bringing to both workforces and enterprises. First, the worker will save their time a lot as they do not spend time to commute from home to workplace. That means they could utilize this time for some activities such as household chores; therefore, their lives become more enjoyable. Second, by allowing employees work at home, the employers could cut down the money for office or factory. Indeed, the cost of renting a office in the cosmopolitan is enormously high, by the way, the director could allocate this money for raising salary for workers. Apart from some merits I expressed above, I also this trend still has more drawbacks. In terms of collaboration, this trend impacts detrimentally on the corporation between employees in virtue of not having face-to-face discussion. As a result, the efficiency in works will decrease, and it triggers a loss of money for the company. Moreover, this trend could not apply in some particular workers such as blue-collar workers as they have to go to the factory to manage the production process. If they work at home, how will they observe the machine or operate some process which must be controlled directly? The company, therefore, will confront a lot of risks in lieu of having the conveniences from this trend. Working at home makes both employers and employees more comfortable; however, I think that it still have more demerits regarding the way of working and operation.
Recently, there has been an ongoing argument that working from home has more advantages for both employers and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trend
would introduce both pros and cons,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it has more demerits when compared to the merits.

There are a plethora of benefits bringing to both
Possible spelling mistake found.
workforces
and enterprises.
First
, the worker will save their time a lot as they do not spend time to commute from home to workplace. That means they could utilize this time for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
activities such as household chores;
therefore
, their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
become more enjoyable. Second, by allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
work at home, the employers could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
down the money for office or factory.
Indeed
, the cost of renting
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
office in the cosmopolitan is
enormously
high, by the way, the director could allocate this money for raising salary for workers.

Apart from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
merits I expressed above, I
also
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trend
still
has more drawbacks. In terms of collaboration, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trend
impacts
detrimentally
on the corporation between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
in virtue of not having face-to-face discussion.
As a result
, the efficiency in works will decrease, and it triggers a loss of money for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.
Moreover
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trend
could not apply in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
particular workers such as blue-collar workers as they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
go to the factory to manage the production process. If they work at home, how will they observe the machine or operate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
process which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be controlled
directly
? The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
,
therefore
, will confront
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
in lieu of having the conveniences from this trend.

Working at home
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
both employers and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
more comfortable;
however
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it
still
have more demerits regarding the way of working and operation.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some say that it would be better if the majority of emloyees worked from home instead of travelling to a workplace everyday. Do you think the advantages of working from home outweigh the disadvantages. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
283 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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