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Many people assume taht the goal of every country should be to produce more materials and goods. To what extent do you agree or disargree that constantly increasing production is an approriate goal? v.2

Many people assume taht the goal of every country should be to produce more materials and goods. v. 2
Nowadays, there has been an ongoing argument that to stimulate the economy, every country should produce much more merchandise. From my perspective, I advocate for this idea except in several particular cases. I believe that this idea brings a plethora of merits for the economy to flourish. First, since creating more products requires much more workforces for industry, thereby creating more and more jobs for the jobless, which in turn decreasing the jobless rates. Indeed, this idea is enormously meaningful to not only society but also the economy because of reducing subsidies for financially supporting the unemployed. Second, this idea also gives the merchants a variety of options to choose their desired garments with a better price or quality. That means the monopoly in a particular area is no longer anymore; thus, the cost becomes lower than ever. Apart of advantages I mentioned above, I also think that this idea still has some demerits for enterprises. In virtue of having more products, companies take higher risks, which means that they lose more money for campaigns or adverts to get access to their potential customers. If all of goods could not be sold out, it will be a burden for the economy due to impacting negatively on the revenue. This idea, therefore, should be applied in a proportionate rate to keep the remain products at the minimum threshold. In reality, the economy of USA and its neighbor collapsed because the provision overtook the needs. To sum up, although both the unemployed and the customers benefit from this idea, it still considers as a problem for the economy in the case the goods are not sold totally.
Nowadays, there has been an ongoing argument that to stimulate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economy
, every country should produce much more merchandise. From my perspective, I advocate for this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
idea
except in several particular cases.

I believe that this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
idea
brings a plethora of merits for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economy
to flourish.
First
, since creating more products requires much more
Possible spelling mistake found.
workforces
for industry, thereby creating more and more jobs for the jobless, which in turn decreasing the jobless rates.
Indeed
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
idea
is
enormously
meaningful to not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of reducing subsidies for
financially
supporting the unemployed. Second, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
idea
also
gives the merchants a variety of options to choose their desired garments with a better price or quality. That means the monopoly in a particular area is no longer anymore;
thus
, the cost becomes lower than ever.

Wrong collocation. Did you mean "apart from"?
Apart of
advantages I mentioned above, I
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
idea
still
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
demerits for enterprises. In virtue of having more products,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
take higher
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
, which means that they lose more money for campaigns or adverts to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
access to their potential customers. If all of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
could not
be sold
out, it will be a burden for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economy
due to impacting
negatively
on the revenue. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
idea
,
therefore
, should
be applied
in a proportionate rate to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
After 'the', do not use a verb. Make sure that the spelling of 'remain' is correct. If 'remain' is the first word in a compound adjective, use a hyphen between the two words. Note: This error message can occur if you use a verb as a noun, and the word is not a noun in standard English.
the remain
products at the minimum threshold. In reality, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economy
A determiner is probably missing here: "of the USA".
of USA
and its neighbor collapsed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the provision overtook the needs.

To sum up, although both the unemployed and the customers benefit from this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
idea
, it
still
considers as a problem for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economy
in the case the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
are not sold
totally
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people assume taht the goal of every country should be to produce more materials and goods. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
275 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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