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Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.5

Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. v. 5
The life expectancy has been constantly variable as time passes by. However, there has been an assumption that it has been increased in this generation. As a result, certain groups of individuals argue that the retirement period of occupation should become older. My conviction partly disproves with the aforementioned concept and the reasons will be discussed in this essay. With the commendable effort of the health organizations, whether government or private sector, the quality of life has been improved, thus, making people live much longer. It is undeniably a positive development, however, an odd movement is being proposed - the age at which workers retire from their jobs is being moved backwards. For some, rising such can be beneficial, particularly those citizens who are living independently. Moreover, these elders know that they are still qualified to work and earn for their living. Substantially, the suggestion can be considered. On the contrary, if one abstractly thinks about moving the period of retirement, he/she will realize that as the people mature, the more that they will become susceptible to different illnesses as their immune system is not as strong as the younger adults. For instance, in times of extreme weathers, the older personnel tend to file a sick leave more than the others. Furthermore, the elders must be given a time to rest and enjoy their remaining years with their families and friends. Alternatively, the old age must not be the basis of retirement, but rather their years in service. For instance, if a teacher is employed for more than 30 years, then he/she can retire as his/her contribution in the society is undoubted. Clearly, the older individuals must not be forced to work until they reach a specific year, but it should be the duration of the service that is counted. In conclusion, the relationship between life expectancy and retiring is non-occurring. Additionally, the promotion of enjoyment for elders must be observed. At the end of the day, people was not born to work, but to discover their missions and to fulfil them happily.
The life expectancy has been
constantly
variable as time passes by.
However
, there has been an assumption that it has
been increased
in this generation.
As a result
, certain groups of individuals argue that the retirement period of occupation should become older. My conviction partly disproves with the aforementioned concept and the reasons will
be discussed
in this essay.

With the commendable effort of the health organizations, whether
government
or private sector, the quality of life has been
improved
,
thus
, making
people
live
much longer. It is
undeniably
a
positive
development,
however
, an odd movement is
being proposed
-
the age at which workers retire from their jobs is being
moved
backwards. For
some
, rising such can be beneficial,
particularly
those citizens who are living
independently
.
Moreover
, these elders know that they are
still
qualified to work and earn for their living.
Substantially
, the suggestion can
be considered
.

On the contrary
, if one
abstractly
thinks
about moving the period of retirement, he/she will realize that as the
people
mature, the more that they will become susceptible to
different
illnesses as their immune system is not as strong as the younger adults.
For instance
, in times of extreme weathers, the older personnel tend to file a sick
leave
more than the others.
Furthermore
, the elders
must
be
given
a time to rest and enjoy their remaining years with their families and friends.
Alternatively
, the
old
age
must
not be the basis of retirement,
but
rather
their years in service.
For instance
, if a teacher
is employed
for more than 30 years, then he/she can retire as his/her contribution in the society
is undoubted
.
Clearly
, the older individuals
must
not
be forced
to work until they reach a specific
year
,
but
it should be the duration of the service that
is counted
.

In conclusion
, the relationship between life expectancy and retiring is non-occurring.
Additionally
, the promotion of enjoyment for elders
must
be observed
. At the
end
of the day,
people
was not born to work,
but
to discover their missions and to fulfil them
happily
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
343 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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