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some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.6

some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. v. 6
Recently, life expectancy tends to be higher. Some suggest that the retirement age should be extended to lighten the burden of pension on the government. However, I do not agree with this point of view. To begin with, although the lifespan is longer, workers are still aging at the certain age, which makes them less active and unable to adapt to the physical demand of their jobs, especially creative and craft occupations. In particular, as the employees get older, their brains would become less active and have more difficulty in acquiring new necessary skills for new projects or compete with younger employees. Moreover, their eyesight would worsen. As a result, they tend to make more mistakes in documents or tasks which require elaboration, for example, creating jewellery. On the other hand, some argue that if the retirement age is not prolonged, it would be a financial burden on the government because retirees receive pension monthly without new contribution to the nation. In addition, they also claim that the elderly could be stressed because they are not used to having too much free time. However, these problems could be solved by giving the elderly opportunities to involve in social activities. In detailed, retirees can dedicate to local non-profit education or regional health clubs, which can both create values of the nation and avoid stress owe to the wide period of free time. In conclusion, the retirement age should be remained despite longer lifespan as their health condition is worse at the certain age. Consequently, the large number of retirees would lead to the financial burden on the government and stress growth in the elderly because of stop working instantly. A suggested solution to the problems is to provide retirees chances to involving in social activities.
Recently, life expectancy tends to be higher.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
suggest that the retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
should
be extended
to lighten the burden of pension on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.
However
, I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this point of view.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, although the lifespan is longer, workers are
still
aging at the certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them less active and unable to adapt to the physical demand of their jobs,
especially
creative and craft occupations.
In particular
, as the employees
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
older, their brains would become less active and have more difficulty in acquiring new necessary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
for new projects or compete with younger employees.
Moreover
, their eyesight would worsen.
As a result
, they tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
more mistakes in documents or tasks which require elaboration,
for example
, creating
Possible spelling mistake. 'jewellery' is British English.
jewellery
.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
argue that if the retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
is not prolonged, it would be a financial burden on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirees
receive pension monthly without new contribution to the nation.
In addition
, they
also
claim that the elderly could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to having too much free time.
However
, these problems could
be solved
by giving the elderly opportunities to involve in social activities. In detailed,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirees
can dedicate to local non-profit education or regional health clubs, which can both create values of the nation and avoid
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
owe to the wide period of free time.

In conclusion
, the retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
should
be remained
despite longer lifespan as their health condition is worse at the certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
.
Consequently
, the large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirees
would lead to the financial burden on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
growth in the elderly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
working
instantly
. A suggested solution to the problems is to provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirees
chances to involving in social activities.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
You live a new life for every new language you speak. If you know only one language, you live only once.
Czech Proverb

IELTS essay some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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