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Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.3

Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. v. 3
There is no doubt these days the age is playing a major role in our lives. However, the question: Does the retired age important to be increased? Is considered one of the most controversial questions today. In this essay I am going to examine both the advantages and disadvantages before the final conclusion. On one side of the argument there are people who argued that the benefits considerably outweigh the disadvantages. The main reason for believing that, if the people work longer they will get a such of full salary long time while if they loss their job earlier they will get half or a quarter of their salary. In other words, nobody is thinking about the calm life after retardation, they are thinking from different aspects about how they could complete the same life with less income and different economic status. It is possible to say that those people are 100 percent, depending on their job and they do not have any activities or plan to work on it after they leave with no job. On the other hand, It is also possible to consider it with the opposing case. It is often people argue that everybody wants time to relax from the work and get a plan to do something else. They often argued that because, after long time working most of the people have some money they did not touch it and this free time after they retired from their job are the time where they can start their own business. We have seen there are no easy answers for this question. On balance, however, I tend to believe that to save money during these working years and always think about early retried as a good opportunity to start your own work.
There is no doubt these days the age is playing a major role in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
However
, the question: Does the retired age
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
be increased
?
Is considered
one of the most controversial questions
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
. In this essay I am going to examine both the advantages and disadvantages
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the final conclusion.

On one side of the argument there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who argued that the benefits
considerably
outweigh the disadvantages. The main reason for believing that, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
longer they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a such of full salary long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
while if they
Did you mean "lost" (past tense of the verb 'lose')?
loss
their job earlier they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
half or a quarter of their salary.
In other words
, nobody is thinking about the calm life after retardation, they are thinking from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
aspects about how they could complete the same life with less income and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
economic status. It is possible to say that those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are 100 percent, depending on their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
job and
they do not have any activities or plan to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
on it after they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
with no job.

On the other hand
, It is
also
possible to consider it with the opposing case. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that everybody wants
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to relax from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a plan to do something else. They
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, after long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
working most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
money they did not touch it and this free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
after they retired from their job are the
It is better to use 'time' with the time-relative pronoun 'when': "time when". (Alternatively, use 'in/on which')
time where
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business.

We have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
there are no easy answers for this question. On balance,
however
, I tend to believe that to save money during these working years and always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about early retried as a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
opportunity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
One should not aim at being possible to understand but at being impossible to misunderstand.
Marcus Fabius Quintilian

IELTS essay Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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