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Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. v. 1
Sometimes, it has been seen that human body respond healthier at certain phases of age unlike the usual bodily behaviour at that particular phase. This enhances the life tenure of an individual. Unfortunately, such group of individuals is much less as compared to others, so, it won't affect the working ability of most of the people at that age. I disagree with the fact that, the end of the service age should be increased considering the higher living index. It has been seen that, a lot of people seem much healthier close to their retirement age and are willing to continue their services, but, due to fix service tenure they have to retire. For example, people who are 40 years, because after that old age body do not respond in the same way that is required for being an air force pilot. Same is the case with other type of services. Looking at the fact, that people are willing to continue same task, may not be an appropriate way of looking at things. This also reduce the chances of others to get into the same profession. For instance, a bank employee, if he/she doesn't get retired at a certain maturity and continue working. So, it is necessary to maintain this cycle of healthy professionalism. In conclusion, retirement age should be fixed despite the fact the an individual is willing working, as this will not only create a healthy work atmosphere task atmosphere, but also create a lot of opportunities for upcoming population also. This is a cycle of life that is governed by maturity and one should respect it and maintain the pace.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
, it has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that human body respond healthier at certain phases of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
unlike the usual
bodily
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
at that particular phase. This enhances the life tenure of an individual. Unfortunately, such group of individuals is much less
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
compared to others,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, it won't affect the working ability of most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
at that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
. I
Consider using "disagree that".
disagree with the fact that
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the service
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
should
be increased
considering the higher living index.

It has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
seem much healthier close to their retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
and are willing to continue their services,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, due to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fix
service tenure they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
retire.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are 40 years,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
after that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
body do not respond
in the same way
that
is required
for being an air force pilot. Same is the case with other type of services.

Looking at the fact, that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are willing to continue same task, may not be an appropriate way of looking at things. This
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the chances of others to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into the same profession.
For instance
, a bank employee, if he/she doesn't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
retired at a certain maturity and continue working.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, it is necessary to maintain this cycle of healthy professionalism.

In conclusion
, retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
despite the fact
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "the" or "an" is left.
the an
individual is willing working, as this will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
create a healthy work atmosphere task atmosphere,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
create
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
opportunities for upcoming population
also
. This is a cycle of life that
is governed
by maturity and one should respect it and maintain the pace.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
273 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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