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Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. v. 2
During the time, the living condition of the most population is changing: the technology development and the well results getting into science researching leads to think that maybe, the age at which someone retires from his working activity should be increased markedly. In each part of the globe, the medical issues drop considerably, thus the health of older people is better. Although, some type of job needs to physical well-being and above all, strong muscles, in this way only an adult or a young person could do this task. For example, my father is a farmer and even though the possibility of using many medicines, he is always tired when returns from working: in other words, in the future, he will not able to make the choice of continuing his activity in the country. Contrary to this, other people could be helped by new electronic resources, and likely, going in their workplace when they are older too. Despite this, it analyses the situation about young people, the surge of retirement age crates an economic trouble, so after they finish the school, the number of available jobs plummet dramatically. Summing up, the real problem is the lack of possibility to relax next to a life, where somebody had worked a lot. Furthermore, this concept generates an alienated condition, inasmuch as our existence is focused on being employees, and not people which feel many emotions. At the end, the government should give the choice of keeping your workplace for a few years after the actual retirement age, but this shouldn't be an obligation.
During the time, the living condition of the most population is changing: the technology development and the well results getting into science researching leads to
think
that maybe, the age at which someone retires from his working activity should
be increased
markedly
.

In each part of the globe, the medical issues drop
considerably
,
thus
the health of older
people
is better. Although,
some
type of job needs to physical well-being and
above all
, strong muscles, in this way
only
an adult or a young person could do this task.

For example
, my father is a farmer and
even though
the possibility of using
many
medicines, he is always tired when returns from working:
in other words
, in the future, he will not able to
make
the choice of continuing his activity in the country.

Contrary to this, other
people
could be
helped
by new electronic resources, and likely, going in their workplace when they are older too.

Despite this, it analyses the situation about young
people
, the surge of retirement age crates an economic trouble,
so
after they finish the school, the number of available jobs plummet
dramatically
.

Summing up, the real problem is the lack of possibility to relax
next
to a life, where somebody had worked a lot.
Furthermore
, this concept generates an alienated condition, inasmuch as our existence
is focused
on being employees, and not
people
which feel
many
emotions.

At the
end
, the
government
should give the choice of keeping your workplace for a few years after the actual retirement age,
but
this shouldn't be an obligation.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. v. 2

Essay
  American English
7 paragraphs
261 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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