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Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. To what extend do you agree or disagree? v.4

Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. v. 4
There is an argument that nowadays, the lifespan of humans lasts longer if being compared to the past, therefore the retirement age should be higher than it used to be. Personally, I totally agree with this statement because of the rationale following. First of all, the worth mentioning here is that the change in the old regulation will be a benefit to people who have difficulties. To be more specific, the pension in some countries, mainly in developing ones, is not enough for them to get by when they retire, especially those who have not paid off their mortgages or they are still supporting their children. Hence, working is the only way to handle the problem and have a better life. Take Viet Nam as an example, for the manual labour, the pension is just about 1 million Vietnam dong, which can only be used for the basic demands such as food and drink, but not assist them to pay any debts if they have. Moreover, the increase in the retirement age is an effective method since this change is able to limit crime rates. If people retire too early and the money subsidized by governments is not enough for their life, crimes will definitely appear. To illustrate, currently, some elders are being used for taking money from the public by criminals. The bad guys cause them to disguise themselves into the homeless and ask for cash at public places such as the park, the gas station and the bus stop. At the end of the day, the elderly will come back to the lair to give money to the thugs. Consequently, old people, which is sometimes considered the wisest members of the community, are being abused. So, the retirement age should be raised in order for them to contribute their intelligence and expertise to society while they are still working. As a result, criminal cases would decline and the fabric of society would be stabilized. In conclusion, to reduce the risk of crimes and create a better life for individuals, policymakers should raise the age of retirement due to the longer lifespan of them.
There is an argument that nowadays, the lifespan of humans lasts longer if
being compared
to the past,
therefore
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
should be higher than it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be.
Personally
, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the rationale following.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the worth mentioning here is that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
regulation will be a benefit to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who have difficulties. To be more specific, the pension in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries,
mainly
in developing ones, is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
for them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
by when they retire,
especially
those who have not paid off their
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
mortgages or
they are
still
supporting their children.
Hence
, working is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
way to handle the problem and have a better life. Take
Possible spelling mistake found.
Viet
Nam as an example, for the manual
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
, the pension is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
about 1 million Vietnam dong, which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for the basic demands such as food and drink,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not assist them to pay any debts if they have.

Moreover
, the increase in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
is an effective method since this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
is able to limit crime rates. If
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
retire too early and the money subsidized by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
for their life, crimes will definitely appear. To illustrate,
currently
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
elders are being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for taking money from the public by criminals. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
guys cause them to disguise themselves into the homeless and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ask for
cash at public places such as the park, the gas station and the bus
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
. At the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the day, the elderly will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
back to the lair to give money to the thugs.
Consequently
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
considered the wisest members of the community, are
being abused
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
should
be raised
in order for them to contribute their intelligence and expertise to society while they are
still
working.
As a result
, criminal cases would decline and the fabric of society would
be stabilized
.

In conclusion
, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of crimes and create a better life for individuals, policymakers should raise the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
due to the longer lifespan of them.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
355 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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