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Nowadays a large amount of advertising aimed at children should be banned because of the negative effects. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Nowadays a large amount of advertising aimed at children should be banned because of the negative effects. v. 2
These days, a large amount of advertising is aimed at children and some people feel that it should be banned. While advertising can have several negative impacts on children, I believe it should not be completely banned. On the one hand, commercials aimed at children can have a detrimental impact, particularly on the relationship between parents and their children. Many children are easily manipulated to want things they see in advertisements, and this may cause conflicts between parents and children if parents deny their children of something they want. In addition, advertising targeted at children can have negative effects on their health, as many fast food and junk food companies these days direct their marketing strategies towards children, making their products appear to be healthy and appealing. Unfortunately, most children do not understand the concept of advertising and are easily persuaded to purchase these unhealthy foods, and as a consequence, can be at risk of many serious health issues, such as obesity and diabetes. On the other hand, I feel that there should not be a ban on advertising aimed at children because advertising is one of the key aspects of a prosperous economy. If bans were to be placed on commercials, many companies would suffer from a decrease in sales and profits, which would eventually affect unemployment rates and the economy. For example, Coca Cola provides thousands of employment opportunities in advertising throughout its branches across different regions around the world. If advertising was banned, a large number of workers, such as marketers, may become unemployed, and as a result, the government will have to provide temporary financial support for those unemployed people. In conclusion, although advertising aimed at children may have certain negative impacts regarding family relationships and health, imposing a prohibition on it is unreasonable.
These days, a large amount of advertising
is aimed
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
feel that it should
be banned
. While advertising can have several
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, I believe it should not be completely banned.

On the one hand, commercials aimed at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can have a detrimental impact,
particularly
on the relationship between parents and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
easily
manipulated to want things they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
in advertisements, and this may cause conflicts between parents and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
if parents deny their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
of something they want.
In addition
, advertising targeted at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on their health, as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food and junk food
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
these days direct their marketing strategies towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, making their products appear to be healthy and appealing. Unfortunately, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
do not understand the concept of advertising and are
easily
persuaded to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
these unhealthy foods, and as a consequence, can be at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
serious health issues, such as obesity and diabetes.

On the other hand
, I feel that there should not be a ban on advertising aimed at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
advertising is one of the key aspects of a prosperous economy. If bans were to
be placed
on commercials,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
would suffer from a decrease in sales and profits, which would
eventually
affect unemployment rates and the economy.
For example
, Coca Cola provides thousands of employment opportunities in advertising throughout its branches across
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
regions around the world. If advertising
was banned
,
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
workers, such as marketers, may become unemployed, and
as a result
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
provide temporary financial support for those unemployed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In conclusion
, although advertising aimed at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may have certain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts regarding family relationships and health, imposing a prohibition on it is unreasonable.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays a large amount of advertising aimed at children should be banned because of the negative effects. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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