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Obesity was once considered a disease of adults; however, it is becoming increasingly common among children. Why do you think this is happening? What can be done to help children stay healthy? v.1

Obesity was once considered a disease of adults; however, it is becoming increasingly common among children. Why do you think this is happening? What can be done to help children stay healthy? v. 1
Although for many years, obesity perceived as a condition occurring in the adult life, recently child obesity cases has been increased. There are various reasons for this occurrence and I derived some solutions in the next few paragraphs. The major cause of such is an unhealthy and sedentary lifestyle of children. Nowadays almost all children are so busy in virtual world’s games and the physical activities are almost retired from their lifestyle. In addition, the technology made it worse by promoting advertisements of fast food, targeting the younger generation. Such food is not only unhealthy for children but fast food intake makes them lazy and inactive in utmost everything. Besides this, the recent study had shown that more than 70 percentage of the average convenience store’s items have overused sugar, which make the situation exacerbate. However, there are several solutions to overcome the negative aspects and reduce obesity among children. To embark with, awareness should be implied to the younger generation from the beginning of the education. Young people’s minds are immature and they try to imitate what they see, if their education syllabus consists the benefits of nutritious food’s value, they will be well aware and limit their fast food intake. In addition, It is government’s responsibility to impose strict rules about sugar dosage in every product and limit it to a certain level to make citizen’s better health and long life. To put this in a nutshell, I believe there are numerous reasons for the child obesity, including inheritance, unhealthy lifestyle and lack of the physical exercise, nevertheless it can be avoided or reduced by continuous monitoring by government on sugar ingredient in food and awareness imposed from a young age.
Although for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years, obesity perceived as a condition occurring in the adult life, recently child obesity cases has
been increased
. There are various reasons for this occurrence and I derived
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solutions in the
next
few paragraphs.

The major cause of such is an unhealthy and sedentary lifestyle of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Nowadays almost all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
busy in virtual world’s games and the physical activities are almost retired from their lifestyle.
In addition
, the technology made it worse by promoting advertisements of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, targeting the younger generation. Such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
unhealthy for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
intake
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them lazy and inactive in utmost everything.
Besides
this, the recent study had shown that more than 70 percentage of the average convenience store’s items have overused sugar, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the situation exacerbate.

However
, there are several solutions to overcome the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspects and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
obesity among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. To embark with, awareness should
be implied
to the younger generation from the beginning of the education. Young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s minds are
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
immature and
they try to imitate what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
, if their education syllabus consists the benefits of nutritious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food’s
value, they will be well aware and limit their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
intake.
In addition
, It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
’s responsibility to impose strict
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
about sugar dosage in every product and limit it to a certain level to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
citizen’s better health and long life.

To put this in a nutshell, I believe there are numerous reasons for the child obesity, including inheritance, unhealthy lifestyle and lack of the physical exercise,
nevertheless
it can
be avoided
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
by continuous monitoring by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
on sugar ingredient in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and awareness imposed from a young age.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Obesity was once considered a disease of adults; however, it is becoming increasingly common among children. Why do you think this is happening? What can be done to help children stay healthy? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
283 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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