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Some people work for the same organisation all their working life. Others think that it is better to work for different organisations. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. v.28

Some people work for the same organisation all their working life. Others think that it is better to work for different organisations. v. 28
While some people work for the same company all through their career life, others work for more than one firm before retiring. There are various factors that necessitate these behaviors. Those who work for their first employer all through their working life do so because they found good working conditions at the workplace. When a man has enough earnings to take care of his needs, he remains relaxed and does not feel the urge to change employment. There is also, an additional motivation that comes with proper career progression plan for staff. Such employees feel at home and go on to spend their entire career life with the employer. For example, Mr. Emma spent 35 year of his life with his first employer - EEC Energy. During his retirement party, one of his juniors asked why he remained with EEC all through his career life and he answered that good working conditions coupled with rest of mind made him commit his life to EEC. He went on to explain that EEC showed him from the beginning that that he will have a great career with them, and coupled with good pay, he was convinced to commit his future into their hands and till that very moment has never seen any reason to regret his decision. On the other hand, those in support of moving from one organisation to the other believe that by doing so, one is able to get huge pay rise within a short period. When employees interview with another company, they use their current wage to negotiate higher pay with the new firm. Some times the rise could be as high as 20% and if the employer could move to five of such jobs in two years, his salary will increase by 100%. Such an increase may not be achieved by staying with the same employer, even with a very high performance. In addition to the increments in earnings, these people are also assigned more senior roles as they move. In conclusion, I believe it is better to remain with the same employer provided the remunerations and working conditions are right. Business owners can encourage their employees to remain with them by matching whatever offer they get and providing them with good working atmosphere.
While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
work for the same
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
all through their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, others work for more than one firm
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
retiring. There are various factors that necessitate these behaviors.

Those who work for their
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employer
all through their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they found
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
conditions at the workplace. When a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
earnings to take care of his needs, he remains relaxed and does not feel the urge to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
employment. There is
also
, an additional motivation that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with proper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
progression plan for staff. Such employees feel at home and go on to spend their entire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employer
.
For example
, Mr. Emma spent 35 year of his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
with his
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employer
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
EEC Energy. During his retirement party, one of his juniors asked why he remained with EEC all through his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
life and
he answered that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
conditions coupled with rest of mind made him commit his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
to EEC. He went on to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
that EEC
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
him from the beginning
Possible typo: you repeated a word
that that
he will have a great
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
with them, and coupled with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
pay, he
was convinced
to commit his future into their hands and till that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
moment has never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
any reason to regret his decision.

On the other hand
, those in support of moving from one
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
to the other believe that by doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, one is able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
huge pay rise within a short period. When employees interview with another
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
wage to negotiate higher pay with the new firm.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
times the rise could be as high as 20% and if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employer
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
to five of such jobs in two years, his salary will increase by 100%. Such an increase may not
be achieved
by staying with the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employer
, even with a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
high performance.
In addition
to the increments in earnings, these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
also
assigned more senior roles as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
.

In conclusion
, I believe it is better to remain with the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employer
provided the remunerations and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
conditions are right. Business owners can encourage their employees to remain with them by matching whatever offer they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
and providing them with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
atmosphere.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people work for the same organisation all their working life. Others think that it is better to work for different organisations. v. 28

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
377 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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