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Some people work for the same organisation all their working life. Others think that it is better to work for different organisations. v.21

Some people work for the same organisation all their working life. Others think that it is better to work for different organisations. v. 21
It is often thought that some are providing employment for the exact same business there entire life. However, others believe that it is more significant to work in several places. In my point of view, I totally believe that working for different companies is more beneficial. First of all, working with the same employer makes you feel more confident in life. The reason for this is because you know exactly what the duties include and how it is preferable to perform a task. In other words, everything is familiar and more forecasted. For example, every employer got their own rules, which need to be followed by the employee. So that's why, it is more favourable for people to stay in one working place. In contrast, experimenting several places will improve the knowledge and will also increase the self-confidence. This is because you will come across a lot of situations, which will make you think about the possible solutions. For instance, not every surgery is using the same computer system. So, if you provide agency work, you will learn strategies to help the patient in a safe and efficient way. All in all, being open for problems and brand new circumstances will increase the knowledge. To conclude, it is considered that some are employed for one organisation all their working life. Others believe that it is greater to be employed in different organisations. In my opinion, I believe that it is better to try a few places to improve your intelligence and self-confidence for in the upcoming days in the future life.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
are providing employment for the exact same business there entire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
However
, others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that it is more significant to work in several places. In my point of view, I
totally
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
is more beneficial.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
with the same employer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
you feel more confident in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
The reason for this is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
you know exactly what the duties include and how it is preferable to perform a task.
In other words
, everything is familiar and more forecasted.
For example
, every employer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
, which need to
be followed
by the employee.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that's why, it is more
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourable' is British English.
favourable
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to stay in one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
place.

In contrast
, experimenting several places will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the knowledge and will
also
increase the self-confidence. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
you will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
across
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
situations, which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about the possible solutions.
For instance
, not every surgery is using the same computer system.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, if you provide agency work, you will learn strategies to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the patient in a safe and efficient way. All in all, being open for problems and
'brand new' seems to be a compound adjective in front of a noun. Use a hyphen: "brand-new".
brand new
circumstances will increase the knowledge.

To conclude
, it
is considered
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
are employed
for one
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
all their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. Others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that it is greater to
be employed
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
. In my opinion, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that it is better to try a few places to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
your intelligence and self-confidence for in the upcoming days in the future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people work for the same organisation all their working life. Others think that it is better to work for different organisations. v. 21

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
261 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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