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These days, we are seeing an increasing amount of violence on television, and this is having a negative impact on children’s behavior. Do you agree or disagree? v.7

These days, we are seeing an increasing amount of violence on television, and this is having a negative impact on children’s behavior. v. 7
Television and other forms of entertainment have a strong effect in developing the values and influencing the behaviour of children. Sadly, the majority of programs show inappropriate violent content. I agree that such violent programs have an adverse effect on the children’s behaviour. Violence occurs in our society everyday and the media presents it in different shapes. The media give inappropriate contents more preference as many people like it which in return generate them huge profits. However, they do not think about the children of the society who may likely to take it negatively. For instance, many dramas on TV show that how to violence occur and how it is dealt but preference is more given to its occurrence rather than it’s encounter and such actions are then repeated in the society. In addition, the programs on TV are no longer necessary to watch without adult supervision. Many commercials divert the attention of kids from the program they are watching to the ones that are for adults. Even many contents are played beside with children’s made series which are often inappropriate and create a mind for children to do the same in real life. Like many cases have been revealed recently where children commit serious crimes because of watching violent TV shows. In conclusion, I believe that the cause of many of the problems, especially youth crimes in today’s world is the huge amount of inappropriate contents on Television and other forms of entertainment. Thus, it alerts government to take steps to control it by implementing legislations that do not allow the spread of violence.
Television and other forms of entertainment have a strong effect in developing the values and influencing the
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Sadly
, the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
inappropriate
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
content
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that such violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
have an adverse effect on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.

Violence occurs in our society
'Everyday' is an adjective. Did you mean "every day"?
everyday
and the media presents it in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
shapes. The media give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
inappropriate
contents more preference as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
like it which in return generate them huge profits.
However
, they do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
of the society who may likely to take it
negatively
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
dramas on TV
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that how to violence occur and how it
is dealt
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
preference is more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to its occurrence
rather
than it’s encounter and such actions are then repeated in the society.

In addition
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
on TV are no longer necessary to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
without adult supervision.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
commercials divert the attention of kids from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
they are watching to the ones that are for adults. Even
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
contents
are played
beside with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
made series which are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
inappropriate
and create a mind for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to do the same in real life. Like
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases have
been revealed
recently where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
commit serious crimes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of watching violent TV
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
.

In conclusion
, I believe that the cause of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of the problems,
especially
youth crimes in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s world is the huge amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
inappropriate
contents on Television and other forms of entertainment.
Thus
, it alerts
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to take steps to control it by implementing
Possible spelling mistake found.
legislations
that do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
the spread of violence.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay These days, we are seeing an increasing amount of violence on television, and this is having a negative impact on children’s behavior. v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
265 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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