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Some people work for a business, and some people work in their own business. Which would you prefer to do and why? Include details and examples in your explanation. v.2

Some people work for a business, and some people work in their own business. Which would you prefer to do and why? Include details and examples in your explanation. v. 2
At present, very fewer duties are given to youngsters in some countries as compared to the past. In my opinion, I completely agree that these days competition among children and advancements in technology have prevailed such an extent that these have made them irresponsible. To begin with, while the children are busy competing with others in terms of education, they are unaware of being irresponsible with other important things in life. In other words, due to the cut-throat competition, adolescents indulge themselves in studies not only to learn subjects but also to compete with others to get good marks. So, guardians think they are already under the burden of studies and if more tasks are given to them, it will be an injustice to them. In the past, although students use to do studies there was not much competition, which leads children to do many things apart from studies. Thus, the ever-increasing competition has taken the toll of making them irresponsible. Another reason for being given fewer responsibilities to juveniles is due to the advancements in the technology sector. At present, since technology has boomed to such an extent, electronic gadgets have become the cheapest. Owing to this, every child from an early age gets mobile phones. Therefore, instead of taking advantage they spend hours poring over mobile phones and develop an addiction to games. This recklessness has made them irresponsible towards any important task given to them. To exemplify, in the past, most household chores such as purchasing milk and groceries were done by youngsters of a home, but in recent times parents prefer to do things on their own. Hence, this carelessness and technology have made them irresponsible. To conclude, even though children being competitive learning an important skill of life, as well as advancements in technology, have revolutionized the world; however, these have made children reckless and consequently lead them to be given less responsibilities.
At present,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
fewer duties are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to youngsters in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries as compared to the past. In my opinion, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that these
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "days'" or "day's"?
days
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and advancements in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
have prevailed such an extent that these have made them irresponsible.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, while the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are busy competing with others in terms of education, they are unaware of being irresponsible with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
things in life. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, due to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
-throat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
, adolescents indulge themselves in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to learn subjects
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
to compete with others to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
marks.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, guardians
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
they are already under the burden of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
and if more tasks are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to them, it will be an injustice to them. In the past, although students
Make sure that 'use to' is correct. For habitual actions in the past or to mean 'accustomed to', use "used to".
use to
do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
there was not much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
, which leads
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things apart from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
.
Thus
, the ever-increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
has taken the toll of making them irresponsible.

Another reason for being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
fewer responsibilities to juveniles is due to the advancements in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
sector. At present, since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has boomed to such an extent, electronic gadgets have become the cheapest. Owing to this, every child from an early age
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
mobile phones.
Therefore
,
instead
of taking advantage they spend hours poring over mobile phones and develop an addiction to games. This recklessness has made them irresponsible towards any
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
task
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to them. To exemplify, in the past, most household chores such as purchasing milk and groceries
were done
by youngsters of a home,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in recent times parents prefer to do things on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.
Hence
, this carelessness and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
have made them irresponsible.

To conclude
,
even though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
being competitive learning an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
of life,
as well
as advancements in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
, have revolutionized the world;
however
, these have made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
reckless and
consequently
lead them to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun responsibilities is countable.
less
responsibilities.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people work for a business, and some people work in their own business. Which would you prefer to do and why? Include details and examples in your explanation. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
318 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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