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Some people work for a business, and some people work in their own business. Which would you prefer to do and why? Include details and examples in your explanation. v.1

Some people work for a business, and some people work in their own business. Which would you prefer to do and why? Include details and examples in your explanation. v. 1
With the advent of the technology, the use of televisions and radio has been increased drastically. However, people have different perspectives about what should be the television aimed for, whether it should be gaining the education or for refreshments. Well, this essay is an attempt to discuss both views and gives its own opinion at the end. On the one hand, a tremendous advancement in technology has improved audio-visual effects on the screen, which can be found interesting by most of the students or children. Therefore, nowadays, many schools are using televisions to teach the students several hard subjects, such as History or Geography to make it more easy and understandable by the pupils. There is also an evidence, provided by the scientists of The National Research Laboratory, which shows that, humans can memorize the audio-visual pictures for a long period of time. Additionally, working people can get the latest news about science and inventions from several useful channels, such as, Discovery and National Geography. On the other hand, nowadays, after completing long hours at schools or workplaces, people get bored, so, they need refreshments. At this time, there is no better entertainer than a TV at home. By having it, people get entertained from their own homes, without spending a penny. In addition, in this fast paced life, relief is mandatory for everyone, and entertaining programs, such as comedy shows and soap operas, work as stress busters for many people. To conclude, according to me, as televisions have the profound impact on people, getting useful knowledge with the entertainment, should be the main motive of it.
With the advent of the technology, the
use
of
televisions
and radio has
been increased
drastically
.
However
,
people
have
different
perspectives about
what should be the
television
aimed for, whether it should be gaining the education or for refreshments. Well, this essay is an attempt to discuss both views and gives its
own
opinion at the
end
.

On the one hand, a tremendous advancement in technology has
improved
audio-visual effects on the screen, which can
be found
interesting by most of the students or children.
Therefore
, nowadays,
many
schools are using
televisions
to teach the students several
hard
subjects, such as History or Geography to
make
it more easy and understandable by the pupils. There is
also
an evidence, provided by the scientists of The National Research Laboratory, which
shows
that, humans can memorize the audio-visual pictures for a long period of time.
Additionally
, working
people
can
get
the latest news about science and inventions from several useful channels, such as, Discovery and National Geography.

On the other hand
, nowadays, after completing long hours at schools or workplaces,
people
get
bored,
so
, they need refreshments. At this time, there is no better entertainer than a TV at home. By having it,
people
get
entertained from their
own
homes, without spending a penny.
In addition
, in this
fast
paced life, relief is mandatory for everyone, and entertaining programs, such as comedy
shows
and soap operas, work as
stress
busters for
many
people
.

To conclude
, according to me, as
televisions
have the profound impact on
people
, getting useful knowledge with the entertainment, should be the main motive of it.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people work for a business, and some people work in their own business. Which would you prefer to do and why? Include details and examples in your explanation. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
267 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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