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Some people view giving presents as an important way way to show care to family and friends, others think there are more important things that can be done to show care and appreciation. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people view giving presents as an important way way to show care to family and friends, others think there are more important things that can be done to show care and appreciation. v. 1
The most viable solution to the ever-growing traffic issues in urban areas, according to some, is to minimize the citizen’s need for travel to their workplaces, shopping complexes and educational institutes. However, I completely disagree with this notion. This essay will further elicit the reasons behind my view point. First of all, work from home might sound a good idea, however; there are certain jobs which cannot be performed from family place. Doctors, engineers or any public service officials need to be present at their workplace to serve public needs. Similarly, if everyone bought only from e-commerce sites, traditional brick and mortar stores will go out of business / go bankrupt. In addition, many professional courses require classroom training and practical sessions which cannot be performed at home. Moreover, keeping citizens indoor might sound like a good idea to reduce traffic, but we should also pay attention to long term impact it can have on us. Once citizens are confined to the house, they will be reluctant to go out and in the process the social life will take a massive hit. Slowly but surely mental depression will be on the rise. For example, a recent study of adolescent teenagers shows that due to the popularity of video games they are less likely go out and make friends. In the process, they are falling prey to mental depression and the suicide rate among them is egregiously increasing. To conclude, keeping people at home is not a viable solution for traffic issues. The government should invest in public transport infrastructure and build new roads and train lines. The government should also take part in promoting car pooling and encourage citizens to travel on public transport.
The most viable solution to the ever-growing traffic issues in urban areas, according to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
, is to minimize the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizen’s
need for travel to their workplaces, shopping complexes and educational institutes.
However
, I completely disagree with this notion. This essay will
further
elicit the reasons behind my view point.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, work from home might sound a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
,
however
; there are certain jobs which cannot
be performed
from family place. Doctors, engineers or any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
service officials need to be present at their workplace to serve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
needs.
Similarly
, if everyone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
from e-commerce sites, traditional brick and mortar stores will go out of business / go bankrupt.

In addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
professional courses require classroom training and practical sessions which cannot
be performed
at home.
Moreover
, keeping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
indoor might sound like a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
traffic,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
we should
also
pay attention to long term impact it can have on us. Once
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
are confined
to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
, they will be reluctant to go out and in the process the social life will take a massive hit.
Slowly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
surely
mental depression will be on the rise.
For example
, a recent study of adolescent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that due to the popularity of video games they are less likely go out and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friends. In the process, they are falling prey to mental depression and the suicide rate among them is
egregiously
increasing.

To conclude
, keeping
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
at home is not a viable solution for traffic issues. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should invest in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
transport infrastructure and build new roads and train lines. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in promoting car pooling and encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
to travel on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
transport.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people view giving presents as an important way way to show care to family and friends, others think there are more important things that can be done to show care and appreciation. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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