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In some organizations, promotions are based on seniority, while in other organizations, promotions are based on performance. Discuss the advantages of each position. Then indicate which position you think is best and why. v.1

In some organizations, promotions are based on seniority, while in other organizations, promotions are based on performance. Discuss the advantages of each position. Then indicate which position you think is best and why. v. 1
Modern science and technology has made it realistic for human to live more than one century. Some think it is a positive development, whilst others do not. Although a life more than eighty years might create a negative impact on the pension system, I believe living with the loved one can be the most important thing in life. On the one hand, more elderly people usually create problems for the retirement pay system for the government. Everybody has an age limit to work and after that they love to stay home, enjoy the life and want to use their contributions from the authorities as a pension. For example, in the Nordic countries the average sixty above people are around forty percentages which governments maintaining by giving a high subsidy on elderly homes. In addition, these nations are encouraging young immigrants from southeast Asia and Africa. However, I personally think that governments can manage this amount from different other sources and even they can be encouraged to do some handicraft works at their retirement homes. On the other hand, people show their appreciation to the latest inventions in medical science, bio-medical equipments and genetics researches because everyone hates to lose their loved one. In a family where older and younger people live together there is a positive and loving harmony live there. For instant, it has been seen that children who grow up in an extended family are more likely to become mature in life compare to them who lives in an immediate family only. I believe, no one wants to die early and the pain of losing a family member is emotionally hurtful. In conclusion, although live longer may have some disadvantages for the governments, it is a happy thing for the family and friends. In predicted that, in the future people will be fit more than one hundred years and they will be able to work.
Modern science and technology has made it realistic for human to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
more than one century.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development, whilst others do not. Although a life more than eighty years might create a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on the pension system, I believe living with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
one can be the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
thing in life.

On the one hand, more elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
usually
create problems for the retirement pay system for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
. Everybody has an age limit to work and after that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to stay home, enjoy the life and want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their contributions from the authorities as a pension.
For example
, in the Nordic countries the average sixty above
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are around forty percentages which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
maintaining by giving a high subsidy on elderly homes.
In addition
, these nations are encouraging young immigrants from
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
southeast Asia
and Africa.
However
, I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
can manage this amount from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
other sources and even they can
be encouraged
to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
handicraft works at their retirement homes.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their appreciation to the latest inventions in medical science, bio-medical equipments and genetics researches
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
everyone hates to lose their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
one. In a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
where older and younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
together there is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and loving harmony
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
there. For instant, it has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that children who grow up in an extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
are more likely to become mature in life compare to them who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
in an immediate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
. I believe, no one wants to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
early and the pain of losing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
member is
emotionally
hurtful.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
longer may have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
, it is a happy thing for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and friends. In predicted that, in the future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
be fit
more than one hundred
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
years and
they will be able to work.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay In some organizations, promotions are based on seniority, while in other organizations, promotions are based on performance. Discuss the advantages of each position. Then indicate which position you think is best and why. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
317 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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