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Some people use the social media to keep up with people and events. Do you think the advantages of this technology outweighs its' disadvantages v.2

Some people use the social media to keep up with people and events. Do you think the advantages of this technology outweighs its' disadvantages v. 2
Some people are of the opinion that the merits of using social platforms and online sites to connect to their loved ones and get updated about the current happenings in the society outweighs its demerits. In this essay, I will examine both sides of arguments and give my own opinion on the topic. One side of the argument believes that the impact of the use of platforms such as Facebook, LinkedIn, WhatsApp and much more helps generate social bonding. For example, people who have several families overseas in pursuits of happiness create a common platform on WhatsApp so as to share various aspects of their lives and challenges hoping within such a community, they would find help when need. These people in diaspora tend loss track of their roots if they do not constantly connect to their families and loved ones through the easy almost a plug and play platforms. In addition, it also helps educate the public in large scale to keep all nations abreast with the current happenings even in the remotest regions of the world through online sites. For instance, many diseases ravaging many communities are constantly being propagated and symptoms are being discussed in other countries of the world to be on the lookout and learn from. On the other hand, some others believe that is a medium to propagate selfish interest in a subtle way globally. For example, several false news is being publicized daily describing many events that never happened just because they want to promote their upcoming poor ideology. Furthermore, the platforms have served as a medium to monitor other people’s lifestyle without knowing and one example is the Facebook. Several data of a billion people are stored up in various data stores used by some agencies for tracking people without their consent. This is not encouraging having to know that your total life history is stored up somewhere by some certain powerful individual and consume it at will. In conclusion, I believe both arguments have their advantages and disadvantages, but in my opinion, I would rather agree that the merits of the using these social platforms and online portals for sharing various progressive information and keeping family across the globe more closer absolutely outweighs the negatives.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are of the opinion that the merits of using social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
platforms
and online sites to connect to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
updated about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
happenings in the society outweighs its demerits. In this essay, I will examine both sides of arguments and give my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
opinion on the topic.

One side of the argument believes that the impact of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
platforms
such as Facebook, LinkedIn, WhatsApp and much more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
generate social bonding.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have several families overseas in pursuits of happiness create a common
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
platform
on WhatsApp
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
share various aspects of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and challenges hoping within such a community, they would find
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
when
The conjunction "when" requires the past participle "needed", or did you mean "you need"?
need
. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in diaspora tend loss
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
of their roots if they do not
constantly
connect to their families and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
through the easy almost a plug and play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
platforms
.
In addition
, it
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
educate the public in large scale to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
all nations abreast with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
happenings even in the remotest regions of the world through online sites.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
diseases ravaging
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
communities are
constantly
being propagated
and symptoms are
being discussed
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
countries of the world to be on the lookout and learn from.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
others believe
that is
a medium to propagate selfish interest
Consider replacing "in a subtle way" with the adverb for "subtle"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a subtle way
globally.
For example
, several false news is
being publicized
daily describing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
that never happened
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they want to promote their upcoming poor ideology.
Furthermore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
platforms
have served as a medium to monitor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
lifestyle without knowing and one example is the Facebook. Several data of a billion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are stored
up in various data stores
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
agencies for tracking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
without their consent. This is not encouraging having to know that your total life history
is stored
up somewhere by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
certain powerful individual and consume it at will.

In conclusion
, I believe both arguments have their advantages and disadvantages,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in my opinion, I would
rather
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the merits of the using these social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
platforms
and online portals for sharing various progressive information and keeping family across the globe
Use only "closer" (without 'more') when you use the comparative.
more closer
absolutely
outweighs the negatives.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people use the social media to keep up with people and events. Do you think the advantages of this technology outweighs its' disadvantages v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
374 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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