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Social media has amassed large user bases. Do the advantage of being a part of social media site outweighs the disadvantage? v.1

Social media has amassed large user bases. Do the advantage of being a part of social media site outweighs the disadvantage? v. 1
The internet and the mobile technologies have accumulated the number of its users these days. It is rare that people without a cell phone or don't have a social media account. However, some of them are against this and others are on it. In my opinion, being open in social media doesn't make any harm unless if people miss use them and obviously, its benefits outweigh the disadvantages. Firstly, people are making a lot of income from the internet and it is quite common nowadays. YouTube and Instagram, for instance, are revolutionary amongst teenagers and they spend a lot of hours in them. A study by the University of Washington shows that the time youngsters spend in social media are high compared to their study time. Therefore, media technologies are not so good for the students. Secondly, people can talk to their friends and family, whoever are around the world. Back in days, it was difficult to communicate with dear ones as the only medium was the letters which was slow in the process. For example, postal mails will take more than 20 days to reach its destination in an average and it may vary depends on the place. Hence, technology has put an end to the barrier for communication. To conclude, even though some are against the improvisation of technologies, people are welcoming changes and it is changing lives. Personally, I would go on to Facebook or Instagram at any stage for sure.
The internet and the mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
have accumulated the number of its users these days. It is rare that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
without a cell phone or don't have a social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
account.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them are against this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
are on it. In my opinion, being open in social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
doesn't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
any harm unless if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
miss
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them and
obviously
, its benefits outweigh the disadvantages.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are making
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
income from the internet and it is quite common nowadays. YouTube and Instagram,
for instance
, are revolutionary amongst
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
teenagers and
they spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
hours in them. A study by the University of Washington
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that the time youngsters spend in social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
are high compared to their study time.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for the students.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can talk to their friends and family, whoever are around the world. Back in days, it was difficult to communicate with dear ones as the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
medium was the letters which was slow in the process.
For example
, postal mails will take more than 20 days to reach its destination in an average and it may vary depends on the place.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has put an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
to the barrier for communication.

To conclude
,
even though
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
are against the improvisation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are welcoming
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
and it is changing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Personally
, I would go on to Facebook or Instagram at any stage for sure.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay Social media has amassed large user bases. Do the advantage of being a part of social media site outweighs the disadvantage? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
244 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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