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some people thinks that development of technology is reducing crime while think that it encourages crime? discuss both the views. give your opinion? v.2

some people thinks that development of technology is reducing crime while think that it encourages crime? give your opinion? v. 2
People hold different views about whether the improvement of technology brings more offence or diminish them. In following paragraphs I will suggest my opinion. On the one hand, it is undeniable that there have been an increasing number of technologies which reduce crime steeply. To illustrate, the body search system may easily detect things such as steel arms and guns inside the baggage. Another useful thing is web cameras, which look after the people subsequently decrease the amount of offence. For instance, in Korea the criminal justice declined to over than 20 percent due to innovative high tech web cameras through which they keep track of people. Because of this improvement, we can declare person's guilty of a crime On the other hand, in today's modernized era, even government's security system techniques like listening apparatus, can be against them. Robbers hack into building's computer software and through them obtain the crucial data. To exemplify, 30 percent of crime happens due to developing technologies. Besides that the bank empty occurs with the help of modern software. To conclude, this is truly that the amount of offence came due to modern technologies, increases the number of opportunities for robbers and others. However, certainly these systems can reduce them steeply. I claim that improving technologies is a crucial part in recent days.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
hold
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
views about whether the improvement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
brings more
Possible spelling mistake. 'offence' is British English.
offence
or diminish them. In following paragraphs I will suggest my opinion.

On the one hand, it is undeniable that there have been an increasing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
crime
steeply
. To illustrate, the body search system may
easily
detect things such as steel arms and guns inside the baggage. Another useful thing is web cameras, which look after the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
subsequently
decrease the amount of
Possible spelling mistake. 'offence' is British English.
offence
.
For instance
, in Korea the criminal justice declined to
Use "(over)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
over
than 20 percent due to innovative high tech web cameras through which they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
Because of this
improvement, we can declare person's guilty of a
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
crime


On the other hand
, in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's modernized era, even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
's security system techniques like listening apparatus, can be against them. Robbers hack into building's computer software and through them obtain the crucial data. To exemplify, 30 percent of crime happens due to developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
.
Besides
that the bank empty occurs with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of modern software.

To conclude
, this is
truly
that the amount of
Possible spelling mistake. 'offence' is British English.
offence
came due to modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
, increases the number of opportunities for robbers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
.
However
,
certainly
these systems can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
them
steeply
. I claim that improving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
is a crucial part in recent days.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay some people thinks that development of technology is reducing crime while think that it encourages crime? give your opinion? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
219 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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