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some people thinks that development of technology is reducing crime while think that it encourages crime? discuss both the views. give your opinion? v.1

some people thinks that development of technology is reducing crime while think that it encourages crime? give your opinion? v. 1
It is often said that people in the entertainment industry mint money and they are loaded! Although we cannot generalise this for everyone who enters the business, it is arguably true. I believe there are several factors to advocate that they deserve what they earn. Entertainment is a very important part of our lives. In our day-to-day mundane routine, it is movies, music and sports that rescue us from the boredom and monotony. They inspire us, motivate us and it makes us hope for better by giving a vivid experience which is often larger than life, through films, songs, concerts and games. However, people who bring these stories to life, who put in months to connect the lyrics and pair it with the right notes and people who go through extreme training to bring out the best sport for us are often thought to be just ‘lucky’! I honestly believe that the people who strive to bring quality to our entertainment deserve to be paid well. Besides, usually careers of sportsmen, actresses or musicians last for a shorter span of time than that of teachers, doctors and engineers. Thus, if they earn more money for the risk they take, the amount of dedication they put, and the performance they show, seems quite justified to me. Having said that, I also think that there are few other professions other than film, music and sports industries in the realm of entertainment, should also be highly paid. People who devote their lives for their jobs, army officials, for instance, ought to be paid well as a small appreciation of what they do for the civilians. Also, jobs which involve a high level of responsibilities and pressure also deserve a high pay. Professions like doctor, politics and teaching are the jobs that require people with high level of perception and proficiency. Thus to attract such talent to these jobs, it is important to pay them well. In conclusion, all the above points fortify my opinion that people in entertainment business receive a payment that they deserve. Nonetheless, other professions which involve high risk, responsibilities and skills, should also be paid well so as to attract and keep the required talent motivated enough to choose these fields as their possible career.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
said that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the entertainment industry mint
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
money and
they
are loaded
! Although we cannot
Possible spelling mistake. 'generalise' is British English.
generalise
this for everyone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
enters the business, it is
arguably
true. I believe there are several factors to advocate that they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
deserve
what they earn.

Entertainment is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part of our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. In our day-to-day mundane routine, it is movies, music and sports that rescue us from the boredom and monotony. They inspire us, motivate us and it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
us hope for better by giving a vivid experience which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
larger than life, through films, songs, concerts and games.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
bring these stories to life,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
put in months to connect the lyrics and pair it with the right notes and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
go through extreme training to bring out the best sport for us are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
‘lucky’! I
honestly
believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
strive to bring quality to our entertainment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
deserve
to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
well.
Besides
,
usually
careers of sportsmen, actresses or musicians last for a shorter span of time than that of teachers, doctors and engineers.
Thus
, if they earn more money for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
they take, the amount of dedication they put, and the performance they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
, seems quite justified to me.

Having said that, I
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that there are few other professions other than film, music and sports industries in the realm of entertainment, should
also
be
highly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
devote their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, army officials,
for instance
, ought to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
well as a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
appreciation of what they do for the civilians.
Also
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
which involve a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
level of responsibilities and pressure
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
deserve
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
pay. Professions like doctor, politics and teaching are the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
that require
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
level of perception and proficiency.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
to attract such talent to these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to pay them well.

In conclusion
, all the above points fortify my opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in entertainment business receive a payment that they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
deserve
. Nonetheless, other professions which involve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
, responsibilities and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, should
also
be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
well
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
attract and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the required talent motivated
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to choose these fields as their possible career.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
You live a new life for every new language you speak. If you know only one language, you live only once.
Czech Proverb

IELTS essay some people thinks that development of technology is reducing crime while think that it encourages crime? give your opinion? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
376 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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