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Some people think young people are not suitable for important positions in the government, while other people think it is a good idea for young people to take on these positions. Discuss both views and give your own opinions. v.1

Some people think young people are not suitable for important positions in the government, while other people think it is a good idea for young people to take on these positions. v. 1
Nowadays, few people say that adolescents should not be given any important government job, however, other say that it would not be a bad idea if the government provide such jobs to young ones. As per me these types of jobs should be given to young, fresh people since they have higher motivation and passions to do for a country. It has been found these days that few people think that important government positions should only be given to the experienced elders as they possess a lot training for that particular job. For example, important higher jobs require struggle which young people do not have at the beginning, however; older people gain this maturity by working a number of years in the industry. Hence therefore it is very clear that people who has background should have these types of jobs without any scrutiny. On the other hand, it has also been found that people who are at beginner level have higher levels of motivation, passion and patriotism for their country. After graduation, many of the students want to serve their country by giving their services. For example, in China, people are given prime jobs without any scrutiny soon after graduation. Continuously, the people of Pakistan are also provided such types of jobs immediately after graduation. In conclusion, people who have vast training deserve that jobs yet they are not able to do that important governmental job while the young people possess a higher level of motivation that they are able to perform difficult jobs. In my opinion, young people should be given an opportunity, however older should be retired after the age of 50 years.
Nowadays, few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
say that adolescents should not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
,
however
, other say that it would not be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
provide such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
ones. As per me these types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
, fresh
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
since they have higher motivation and passions to do for a country.

It has
been found
these days that few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
positions should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to the experienced elders as they possess
If you mean a great quantity, use "a lot of training"?
a lot training
for that particular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
require struggle which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not have at the beginning,
however
; older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
gain this maturity by working a number of years in the industry.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
therefore
it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
Did you mean "have", "haven"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'people' should be used.
has
background should have these types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
without any scrutiny.

On the other hand
, it has
also
been found
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are at beginner level have higher levels of motivation, passion and patriotism for their country. After graduation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of the students want to serve their country by giving their services.
For example
, in China,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
prime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
without any scrutiny
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
after graduation.
Continuously
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of Pakistan are
also
provided such types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
immediately after graduation.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have vast training deserve that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
yet
they are not able to do that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
governmental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
while the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
possess a higher level of motivation that they are able to perform difficult
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
an opportunity,
however
older should
be retired
after the age of 50 years.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
32Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think young people are not suitable for important positions in the government, while other people think it is a good idea for young people to take on these positions. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
275 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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