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Some people think women should be given equal chances to work and excel in their careers. Others believe that a woman’s role should be limited to taking care of the house and children. Which opinion do you agree with and why? Include specific details and examples to support your choice v.7

Some people think women should be given equal chances to work and excel in their careers. Others believe that a woman’s role should be limited to taking care of the house and children. Which opinion do you agree with and why? Include specific details and examples to support your choice v. 7
The question of women’s rights has always sparked heated controversy. While some traditionalists claim that women should focus on the upkeep of their homes and children, more liberal minded people have claimed that women should have the same rights as men. In this essay, I shall refer to sociological studies that vindicate the correctness of the liberal view. To begin with, it is false to believe that a woman cannot have a job and raise her children effectively. This is because part-time and online work obviously gives women the time and space to care for their children. For example, the Organisation for Child Care found that mothers who did part time or online work spent as much time with their children (after school hours) as housewives. Therefore, it is incoherent to claim – as traditionalists do – that having a career compromises a mother’s ability to care for her children. Secondly, mothers who work also gain the means to invest more in their children’s education and personal development. This is because an additional source of revenue enables parents to send their children to private schools and extra-mural classes. For example, a Harvard study found that parents were 50% more likely to invest in these goods if both parents had separate sources of financial income. It is therefore clear that being a working mother can facilitate, rather than impede, good parenting. In conclusion, there is strong evidence that women can have jobs and be good mothers. Seen in this light, it is clear that the traditionalist view is largely baseless, and that it will continue to decline in popularity.
The question of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women’s
rights has always sparked heated controversy. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
traditionalists claim that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should focus on the upkeep of their homes and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, more liberal minded
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have claimed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should have the same rights as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
. In this essay, I shall refer to sociological studies that vindicate the correctness of the liberal view.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it is false to believe that a woman cannot have a job and raise her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
effectively
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
part-time and online work
obviously
gives
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
the time and space to care for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
For example
, the
Possible spelling mistake. 'Organisation' is British English.
Organisation
for Child Care found that mothers who did
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
part time
or online work spent as much time with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
(after school hours) as housewives.
Therefore
, it is incoherent to claim
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
as traditionalists do
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
that having a career compromises a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mother’s
ability to care for her children.

Secondly
, mothers who work
also
gain the means to invest more in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
education and personal development. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
an additional source of revenue enables parents to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to private schools and extra-mural classes.
For example
, a Harvard study found that parents were 50% more likely to invest in these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
if both parents had separate sources of financial income. It is
therefore
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that being a working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mother
can facilitate,
rather
than impede,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
parenting.

In conclusion
, there is strong evidence that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
can have jobs and be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
mothers.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Seen
in this light, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that the traditionalist view is
largely
baseless, and that it will continue to decline in popularity.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think women should be given equal chances to work and excel in their careers. Others believe that a woman’s role should be limited to taking care of the house and children. Which opinion do you agree with and why? Include specific details and examples to support your choice v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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