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Some people think women should be given equal chances to work and excel in their careers. Others believe that a woman’s role should be limited to taking care of the house and children. Which opinion do you agree with and why? Include specific details and examples to support your choice. v.2

Some people think women should be given equal chances to work and excel in their careers. Others believe that a woman’s role should be limited to taking care of the house and children. Which opinion do you agree with and why? Include specific details and examples to support your choice. v. 2
In this modern era of Women empowerment it is believed by some people that women should participate equally in all fields of growth, whereas few believe that women should have the family as their first priority and they should be more involved in housekeeping and child care. In my opinion, women should be given equal opportunities to excel their domain and household routines should be the responsibility of both man and wife. In this essay, my perspective will be elaborated by suitable instances. Firstly, We should not bias career growth with gender. Every individual irrespective of the fact that its a male or a female should be facilitated by adequate career possibilities. On one side where men have proved their intelligence in all areas of development, on the other side women also have established their brilliance by joining shoulders with men. Moreover, there are some discoveries and inventions done by female scientist that are still milestones for us. If given equal chances in every genre we can have them in all area proving their worth. Secondly, House making and parenting should not only be the women's responsibility, but it should be shared by both parents. It will not only give the off-spring the overall advantage of care and attention, but it will also create overwhelming bond between the child and his father. Study suggests, spending time with kids works as anti-depressant and it is beneficial for a person's mental and physical health. In a nutshell, Although women are naturally inclined to their family and kids, but we should not make this mandatory for her. There should be no restriction on her regarding her personal and professional choices. Moreover, men should be co-operative in household activities and baby care and they should support their wives in pursuit of their professional goal.
In this modern era of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
empowerment it
is believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should participate
equally
in all fields of growth, whereas few believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should have the family as their
first
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
priority and
they should be more involved in housekeeping and child care. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
equal opportunities to excel their domain and household routines should be the responsibility of both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
and wife.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
this essay, my perspective will
be elaborated
by suitable instances.

Firstly
, We should not bias career growth with gender. Every individual irrespective of the fact that
Did you mean "it's" (="it is") instead of 'its' (possessive pronoun)?
its
a male or a female should
be facilitated
by adequate career possibilities. On one side where
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
have proved their intelligence in all areas of development, on the other side
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
also
have established their brilliance by joining shoulders with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.
Moreover
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
discoveries and inventions done by female scientist that are
still
milestones for us.
“If” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
If
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
equal chances in every genre we can have them in all area proving their worth.

Secondly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
House
making and parenting should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be the women's responsibility,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it should
be shared
by both parents. It will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
give the off-spring the
overall
advantage of care and attention,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it will
also
create overwhelming bond between the child and his father. Study suggests, spending time with kids works as anti-depressant and it is beneficial for a person's mental and physical health.

In a nutshell, Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are
naturally
inclined to their family and kids,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
we should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
this mandatory for her. There should be no restriction on her regarding her personal and professional choices.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
should be co-operative in household activities and baby
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
care and
they should support their wives in pursuit of their professional goal.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
6Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think women should be given equal chances to work and excel in their careers. Others believe that a woman’s role should be limited to taking care of the house and children. Which opinion do you agree with and why? Include specific details and examples to support your choice. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
300 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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