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Some people think women should be given equal chance to work and excel in their careers. Other believe that a woman’s role should be limited to taking care of the house and children. Which opinion do you agree with and why? Include specific details and examples to support your choice. v.1

Some people think women should be given equal chance to work and excel in their careers. Other believe that a woman’s role should be limited to taking care of the house and children. Which opinion do you agree with and why? Include specific details and examples to support your choice. v. 1
It is a debated issue whether women should be given an opportunity to take up jobs and progress in their careers or if a woman should be confined to taking care of the home and kids. It is disagreed that a woman should only be involved in housekeeping. Analysing the need to get a supporting income in the home as well as the role of women in many organizations will prove this. First of all, a single income is very difficult to sustain a family. Nowadays, families require an extra income to satisfy their various needs and eventually have a saving for future needs. To clarify, with the rate of development, there is quest to caught up with the demands of the society. Particularly, using high tech gadgets in homes and giving kids the best life, one salary cannot solve such demands. Therefore, there is need for the woman to work and make finances rather than taking care of the home and children. Secondly, most businesses require the help of women to grow. For instance, companies that deal mostly on feminine products and hue employ more women because females often have the ability to choose colours right and have better fashion ideas. Also, in government offices, women handle duties of child development better than men. Thus, such roles should be reserved for women. As a result, Ladies have a significant role to play in the society and most private organizations than being at home, taking care of the house and children. In conclusion, I disagree that women should be restrained to home services and taking care of the children because their income can come handy in the home and also their services are highly needed in the society and businesses.
It is a debated issue whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
an opportunity to take up jobs and progress in their careers or if a woman should
be confined
to taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of the home and kids. It
is disagreed
that a woman should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be involved
in housekeeping.
Possible spelling mistake. 'Analysing' is British English.
Analysing
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a supporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
income
in the home
as well
as the role of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
organizations will prove this.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, a single
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
income
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult to sustain a family. Nowadays, families require an extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
income
to satisfy their various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
and
eventually
have a saving for future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
. To clarify, with the rate of development, there is quest to caught up with the demands of the society.
Particularly
, using high tech gadgets in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homes
and giving kids the best life, one salary cannot solve such demands.
Therefore
, there is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
for the woman to work and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
finances
rather
than taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of the home and children.

Secondly
, most businesses require the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
to grow.
For instance
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
that deal
mostly
on feminine products and hue employ more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
females
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
have the ability to choose
Possible spelling mistake. 'colours' is British English.
colours
right and have better fashion
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
.
Also
, in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
offices,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
handle duties of child development better than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.
Thus
, such roles should
be reserved
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
.
As a result
, Ladies have a significant role to play in the society and most private organizations than being at home, taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
and children.

In conclusion
, I disagree that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should
be restrained
to home services and taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of the children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
income
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
handy in the home and
also
their services are
highly
needed in the society and businesses.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think women should be given equal chance to work and excel in their careers. Other believe that a woman’s role should be limited to taking care of the house and children. Which opinion do you agree with and why? Include specific details and examples to support your choice. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
290 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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