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Some people think women should be given equal chances to work and excel in their careers. Others believe that a woman’s role should be limited to taking care of the house and children. Which opinion do you agree with and why? Include specific details and examples to support your choice v.4

Some people think women should be given equal chances to work and excel in their careers. Others believe that a woman’s role should be limited to taking care of the house and children. Which opinion do you agree with and why? Include specific details and examples to support your choice v. 4
While some people believe that women should have the same an amount of opportunities as men and they can perform well in jobs. However, others think that women should spend their time, children and maintain their housing. Here, I am writing this essay to agree that females should be provided equal chances so that they will excel in their jobs. Firstly, working women can add an income source to the family. Nowadays, female employees are equally treated as male workers in the private and government sectors. In addition to that, many companies will be given plenty of job opportunities for women as a part of different programs. If they got selected in any of the jobs, there will be an opportunity to excel in that position and can work on what they like. For example, The University of Cambridge had conducted a survey and they came to know that 80 % of women who are in cities are working because these women add additional support to the household income and improve their lifestyle. Lastly, many women is working and also they are taking care of their children and house. This day many females are taking responsibility for their family and house, additionally, they also take care of their career. Because most of the jobs are 9 to 5 PM, after that they can spend some time with the family. For instance, recently The New York Times had conducted a poll, and they came to know that 60 % of women are working and in parallel, they are also taking care of their children. To conclude, I believe that women should spend time with their children and maintain housing in parallel she also needs to concentrate on her job.
While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should have the same an amount of opportunities as
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
men and
they can perform well in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
However
, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, children and maintain their housing. Here, I am writing this essay to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that females should
be provided
equal chances
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they will excel in their jobs.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
an income source to the family. Nowadays, female employees are
equally
treated as male workers in the private and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
sectors.
In addition
to that,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
opportunities for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
as a part of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
programs. If they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
selected in any of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, there will be an opportunity to excel in that position and can work on what they like.
For example
, The University of Cambridge had conducted a
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
survey and
they came to know that 80 % of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
who are in cities are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
additional support to the household income and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their lifestyle.

Lastly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
and
also
they are taking care of their children and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
. This day
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
females are taking responsibility for their family and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
,
additionally
, they
also
take care of their career.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
are 9 to 5 PM, after that they can spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with the family.
For instance
, recently The New York
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Times
had conducted a poll, and they came to know that 60 % of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
and in parallel, they are
also
taking care of their children.

To conclude
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their children and maintain housing in parallel she
also
needs to concentrate on her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think women should be given equal chances to work and excel in their careers. Others believe that a woman’s role should be limited to taking care of the house and children. Which opinion do you agree with and why? Include specific details and examples to support your choice v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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