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Extreme sports such as sky diving and skiing are very dangerous and should be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view? v.15

Extreme sports such as sky diving and skiing are very dangerous and should be banned. with this view? v. 15
These days, the increasing number of enthusiasts is taking part in adventurous sports. However, there is an opinion that games like sky diving and skiing should be prohibited because of the risk involved. But, I completely disagree with this view despite these sports are threatening. A person who wants to experience the extreme thrill will take part in sports such as Paragliding, ice skating and bungee jump. Margin for error in these sports is so minimal that sometimes it could be a deciding factor between life and death. Because of this sole reason, youngster's find it even more exciting. There are numerous incidents where participants die due to heart attack while jumping from high altitude as well as parachute malfunction resulting in inevitable death or serious injury. To illustrate, Michael Schumachaer suffered a traumatic brain injury in a skiing accident back in 2013. Since then he has been in coma. Admittedly, these sporting events are very tricky and have many reasons to be considered dangerous. On the contrary, most of the games have its factors which make it challenging. Just because of the few unfortunate incidents, banishing an entire sport is not a wise idea. For example, Phill Huges, an Australian cricket batsman died after being stuck by a bouncer. In this case, urging game of cricket to be scrapped does not make any sense. Every sport has its own history, rules and regulations which makes it unique. Moreover, it is an individual's choice to choose a game he prefers to take part. Instead of debating on whether or not to ban the so called dangerous sports, the focus should be diverted to bringing in changes which could increase the overall safety in which the game is currently played. To conclude, no sport is entirely safe. Each has its own pros and cons. In my opinion, the thought process of banning the games such as parachuting and skiing is totally absurd in spite of possible deadly consequences.
These days, the increasing number of enthusiasts is taking part in adventurous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
However
, there is an opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
like
Did you mean "skydiving"?
sky diving
and skiing should
be prohibited
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
involved.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, I completely disagree with this view despite these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are threatening.

A person who wants to experience the extreme thrill will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
such as Paragliding, ice skating and bungee jump. Margin for error in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
minimal that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
it could be a deciding factor between life and death.
Because of this
sole reason, youngster's find it even more exciting. There are numerous incidents where participants
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
due to heart attack while jumping from high altitude
as well
as parachute malfunction resulting in inevitable death or serious injury. To illustrate, Michael
Possible spelling mistake found.
Schumachaer
suffered a traumatic brain injury in a skiing accident back in 2013.
“Since” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Since
The comma is probably missing here: "then, he".
then he
has been in coma.
Admittedly
, these sporting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
tricky and have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons to
be considered
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
.

On the contrary
, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
have its factors which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it challenging.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the few unfortunate incidents, banishing an entire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
is not a wise
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
.
For example
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Phill
Possible spelling mistake found.
Huges
, an Australian cricket batsman
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
after
being stuck
by a bouncer.
In this case
, urging game of cricket to
be scrapped
does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
any sense. Every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
history,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
and regulations which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it unique.
Moreover
, it is an individual's choice to choose a game he prefers to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
.
Instead
of debating on
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
to ban the
It seems that a hyphen is missing.
so called
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, the focus should
be diverted
to bringing in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
which could increase the
overall
safety in which the game is
currently
played.

To conclude
, no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
is
entirely
safe. Each has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
pros and cons. In my opinion, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
process of banning the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
such as parachuting and skiing is
totally
absurd
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
possible deadly consequences.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Extreme sports such as sky diving and skiing are very dangerous and should be banned. with this view? v. 15

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
327 words
8.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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