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Some people think the only purpose to work hard is to earn money To what extend do you agree or disagree with this opinion v.1

Some people think the only purpose to work hard is to earn money with this opinion v. 1
People have different views about the home office. While there are some benefits of traditional working style, I believe that working at home is usually more advantageous. The chief reason for this is that there are numerous benefits for the employees who finish their work at home. Firstly, especially for the designers sort of jobs, employees would feel more relaxed and clear-minded in a familiar surrounding, which might sharply improve the efficiency. By contrast, workers who are reluctant to stay in the office merely try all sorts of manoeuvres to kill time until 5pm. Moreover, plenty of time spent in cars, buses or subways could be saved. In China, for example, traffic jams happen in almost every big city which makes many commuters spend several hours. But if home office can be allowed in those giant cities, staff will never spend any time commuting. Last but not the least, provided that meetings which are resented by most of youngsters could be held through an office application, workers are freer and comfortable amid a meeting. At the same time, companies could also benefit from home office. Primarily, a large sum of rents could be saved if professionals don't have to work with companies. This is because office buildings normally sitting in central business districts featuring expensive rents. Secondly, bosses will not hire any cleaners or security staff, and thus labour costs could be economized a lot. In conclusion, allowing employees to work at home is a positive development, while it might brought with a series of drawbacks, I am still convinced that teleworking, from an enlightened standpoint, should be encouraged publicly.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
views about the home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
. While there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits of traditional working style, I believe that working at home is
usually
more advantageous.

The chief reason for this is that there are numerous benefits for the employees who finish their work at home.
Firstly
,
especially
for the
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "designers'" or "designer's"?
designers
sort of jobs, employees would feel more relaxed and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
-minded in a familiar surrounding, which might
sharply
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the efficiency. By contrast, workers who are reluctant to stay in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
merely
try all sorts of
Possible spelling mistake. 'manoeuvres' is British English.
manoeuvres
to kill
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
until 5pm.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
spent in cars, buses or subways could
be saved
. In China,
for example
, traffic jams happen in almost every
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
city which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
commuters spend several hours.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
if home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
in those giant cities, staff will never spend any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
commuting. Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not the least, provided that meetings which
are resented
by
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the youngsters") or simply say "most youngsters".
most of youngsters
could
be held
through an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
application, workers are freer and comfortable amid a meeting.

At the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
could
also
benefit from home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
.
Primarily
, a large sum of rents could
be saved
if professionals don't
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
buildings
normally
sitting in central business districts featuring expensive rents.
Secondly
, bosses will not hire any cleaners or security staff, and
thus
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
costs could
be economized
a lot.

In conclusion
, allowing employees to work at home is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development, while it might
The verb 'might' requires the base form of the verb: "bring"
brought
with a series of drawbacks, I am
still
convinced that teleworking, from an enlightened standpoint, should
be encouraged
publicly
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Learn everything you can, anytime you can, from anyone you can; there will always come a time when you will be grateful you did.
Sarah Caldwell

IELTS essay Some people think the only purpose to work hard is to earn money with this opinion v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
270 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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