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Some people think the most important thing about being rich is helping other people. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people think the most important thing about being rich is helping other people. v. 1
Most of us dream of being rich. We wish we could buy lots of things we want if we are rich. Some people believe that it is significant for rich people to help the poor. I do not agree with that. I agree that being rich is very hard. Inclusively, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and many other celebrities have the same experience. First, being rich needs a wise mind and accurate judgement. Even all rich people start with an ordinary one because they can catch every chance to earn a fortune. Bill Gates studied very hard on the computer; Jobs had the ambition to revolutionize the way people work. Then they built innovative companies, advanced technologies, and so on. Their cleverness contributed to the result. And consider why some ordinary people are poor. I think they are not clever, so much to seize the opportunity. Even though the rich could help the poor, but they spend all the subsidy and become poor again. I think what counters is not the money, but the mind. Besides, helping the poor can cause social laziness, and there is an example in history. After the second world war, many European countries implemented the ‘welfare state’. The government levied more tax from the wealthy and helped the poor. It caused mass unemployment because no one wanted to go to work, although the origin was good. Laziness can be negative to themselves and society. Whatever we examine anywhere, anytime, and everyone. Poor people should depend on themselves rather than aid from the rich. Depending on others will cause a mess and laziness.
Most of us dream of being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
. We wish we could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
lots of things we want if we are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that it is significant for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
. I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with that.

I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
.
Inclusively
, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other celebrities have the same experience.
First
, being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
needs a wise mind and accurate judgement. Even all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with an ordinary one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can catch every chance to earn a fortune. Bill Gates studied
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
on the computer; Jobs had the ambition to revolutionize the way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
work. Then they built innovative
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
, advanced technologies, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. Their cleverness contributed to the result. And consider why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
ordinary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
they are not clever,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much to seize the opportunity.
Even though
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they spend all the subsidy and become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
again. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
what counters
Possible agreement error. You should probably use: "am", "are", "aren".
is
not the money,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the mind.

Besides
, helping the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
can cause social laziness, and there is an example in history. After the second world war,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
European countries implemented the ‘welfare state’. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
levied more tax from the wealthy and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
. It caused mass unemployment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
no one wanted to go to work, although the origin was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
. Laziness can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
to themselves and society.

Whatever we examine anywhere, anytime, and everyone.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should depend on themselves
rather
than aid from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
. Depending on others will cause a mess and laziness.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think the most important thing about being rich is helping other people. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
266 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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