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Some people say that the most important thing for being rich is people have opportunity for helping other person? Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people say that the most important thing for being rich is people have opportunity for helping other person? v. 2
From the view of some individuals, facilitating sports activities is responsible for the amelioration of public health whilst others find its ineffectiveness more superior. I contend that there are much better measures need to be taken into account. Regarding to the sports facilities, they can have a huge influence on people's health. At first, sport is prevelantly being lied to maintain a healthy balance of us. That's why, setting up several sport centres in each area is seriously required. What's more, it can, beyond doubt, be a huge deterrent to the appearance of some health problems such as obesity. Since, . The nowadays majority of people are suffering from obesity. Once the authorities construct more sport centres, as well as, gyms and bring more complex equipments to them with the aim of urging humans to join, it will be more likely to contribute to the enhancement of healthy lifestyle. On the other side, this policy is not effective enough. The main justification for this is that not everyone can afford to commit a sport centre. Because they tend to be costly in most cases. In addition, individuals themselves do not have much craving for such type of activities. This is a main reason why I consider that it has little effect on health. One single remedy to make residents healthy is to put the food industry under regulation. Since, today harmful meals that are being cooked are the root cause of the deterioration of human health. We are not informed which ingredients are injected into food. Mostly, food and products are produced irresponsibly, not a proper way. Furthermore, there should be stringent prohibitions on pre- prepared foods. Because fast food contains all deleterious ingredients. If the government puts higher fines on selling these junk foods, healthy life can be improved at a remarkable rate. To conclude, putting much effort into sports opportunities is not a desirable and complete measure. Controlling meals being consumed can help reach a healthy, along with, balanced lifestyle.
From the view of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals, facilitating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
activities is responsible for the amelioration of public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
whilst others find its ineffectiveness more superior. I contend that there are much better measures need to
be taken
into account.

The phrase 'Regarding to' is not correct. Use "Regarding" or "regard to".
Regarding to
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
facilities, they can have a huge influence on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. At
first
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
is
Possible spelling mistake found.
prevelantly
being lied
to maintain a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
balance of us. That's why, setting up several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
in each area is
seriously
required. What's more, it can, beyond doubt, be a huge deterrent to the appearance of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
problems such as obesity. Since
Did you just mean "," or "."?
, .
The nowadays majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are suffering from obesity. Once the authorities construct more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
,
as well
as, gyms and bring more complex equipments to them with the aim of urging humans to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
, it will be more likely to contribute to the enhancement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
lifestyle.

On the other side, this policy is not effective
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
. The main justification for this is that not everyone can afford to commit a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
they tend to be costly
in most cases
.
In addition
, individuals themselves do not have much craving for such type of activities. This is a main reason why I consider that it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
effect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. One single remedy to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
residents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
is to put the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
industry under regulation.
“Since” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Since
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
harmful meals that are
being cooked
are the root cause of the deterioration of human
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. We are not informed which ingredients
are injected
into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
.
Mostly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and products
are produced
irresponsibly
, not a proper way.
Furthermore
, there should be stringent prohibitions on
Possible spelling mistake found.
pre
- prepared
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
contains all deleterious ingredients. If the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
puts higher fines on selling these junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
life can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
at a remarkable rate.

To conclude
, putting much effort into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
opportunities is not a desirable and complete measure. Controlling meals
being consumed
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
reach a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
, along with, balanced lifestyle.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that the most important thing for being rich is people have opportunity for helping other person? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
332 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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