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Some people think the media – television and films – negatively affect people’s behaviour. Others do not think so. How do you think the media affects people’s behaviour? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v.1

Some people think the media – television and films – negatively affect people’s behaviour. Others do not think so. How do you think the media affects people’s behaviour? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 1
It is argued that teachers are more influential than parents on developing social and cognitive skills of young students. This essay is going to explain why some people think this and eventually, disagree with this point of view. It is a common belief that teachers have more influence to develop children's intelligence and social behaviour than parents because these are exactly the roles they are paid to play. When the parents enrol their children at school, they expect that they acquire education and good manners. For example, If the young students' guardians notice that there is something wrong in their children's attitude or they have difficulty to execute their homework by themselves, the parents usually go to the school in order to complain. However, it is not possible for the school to make up children's mind completely because young students spend time with their families and they can also learn different things with them and reproduce what they have learnt either at school or wherever. For instance, I was born in a Protestant family and I had different principles from the ones taught at the religion classes since my school was a Catholic educational institution. For this reason, I always argued against my teacher's opinion. As a result, the school could not overweight the principles I had learnt at home, in this case. To conclude, I disagree that school education is more powerful than parents on influencing intelligence and social skills of children. As this essay has presented, most of the childish development comes from children's upbringing with their parents.
It
is argued
that teachers are more influential than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
on developing social and cognitive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
of young students. This essay is going to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this and
eventually
, disagree with this point of view.

It is a common belief that teachers have more influence to develop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
intelligence and social
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these are exactly the roles they
are paid
to play. When the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
enrol their children at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
that they acquire education and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
manners.
For example
, If the young students' guardians notice that there is something
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
attitude or
they have difficulty to execute their homework by themselves, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
usually
go to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
in order to complain.

However
, it is not possible for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
up
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
mind completely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
young students spend time with their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
families and
they can
also
learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
things with them and reproduce what they have
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt
either at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
or wherever.
For instance
, I
was born
in a Protestant family and I had
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
principles from the ones taught at the religion classes since my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
was a Catholic educational institution.
For this reason
, I always argued against my teacher's opinion.
As a result
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
could not overweight the principles I had
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt at
home,
in this case
.

To conclude
, I disagree that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
education is more powerful than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
on influencing intelligence and social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
of children. As this essay has presented, most of the childish development
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
upbringing with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay Some people think the media – television and films – negatively affect people’s behaviour. Others do not think so. How do you think the media affects people’s behaviour? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
260 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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