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Some people think the main purpose of schools is to benefit society by turning children into good citizens and workers, rather than to benefit them as individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? v.2

Some people think the main purpose of schools is to benefit society by turning children into good citizens and workers, rather than to benefit them as individuals. with this opinion? v. 2
It is an obvious fact that education is playing on important role in our life. Education is the backbone of a nation, and schools are the places where this is shaped and polished. Nowadays, many people believe that education gives beneficial effect for people’s life, while some others realize that primary aim of education simply accord young generation become individualist. This essay will shed some light on this argument from both sides and extend my partial support to the latter view before arriving at conclusion. Some parents send their children to school because they think school could teach kids many lessons and also schools help them discover their potential. It means that students can understand themselves. Thus they are able to choose the subjects that best suit them, and of course they will be succeed in their future life, as an engineer, or doctor or so on. Moreover, at school teachers are trained to help children understand their strengths and keep them in high level whereas they improve their weaknesses. For instance, some students are good in art and they can play piano very well, so they can find their way and improve their skills and knowledge in art to become a famous artist in the future. Furthermore, through school education, children are able to live. They instill to learn up and downs in real life, and get well experience to face with them. On the other hand, in some people opinion the main target of schools is to benefit society by guiding kids into good citizenship and workers. They believe that schools teach discipline which turn kids into effective workers, likewise students learn what is right and wrong in school. As they focus more on community, society or nation with the respect of others and their property, helping people who are not in a position to benefit themselves. At the conclusion, I strongly believe that schools should mainly focus on the academics field and try to train good students for society, because the education process itself will have a positive influence on students.
It is an obvious fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is playing on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Education
is the backbone of a nation, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are the places where this
is shaped
and polished. Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
gives beneficial effect for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
others realize that primary aim of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
simply
accord young generation become individualist. This essay will shed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
light on this argument from both sides and extend my partial support to the latter view
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
arriving at conclusion.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
their children to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
could teach kids
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
lessons and
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them discover their potential. It means that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can understand themselves.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
they are able to choose the subjects that best suit them, and
of course
they will be
Consider using the past participle "succeeded"?
succeed
in their future
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life
, as an engineer, or doctor or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
Moreover
, at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
teachers
are trained
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
children understand their strengths and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them in high level whereas they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their weaknesses.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are
Use "good at" to mean "skilled" with school subjects. Try this: "good at art".
good in art
and they can play piano
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
well,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can find their way and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and knowledge in art to become a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
artist in the future.
Furthermore
, through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, children are able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
. They instill to learn up and downs in real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
well experience to face with them.

On the other hand
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
opinion the main target of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
is to benefit society by guiding kids into
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
citizenship and workers. They believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
teach discipline which turn kids into effective workers,
likewise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
learn what is right and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. As they focus more on community, society or nation with the respect of others and their property, helping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are not in a position to benefit themselves.

At the conclusion, I
strongly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should
mainly
focus on the academics field and try to train
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
for society,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
process itself will have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
influence on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay Some people think the main purpose of schools is to benefit society by turning children into good citizens and workers, rather than to benefit them as individuals. with this opinion? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
344 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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