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Some people think that the main purpose of schools is to turn children into good citizens and workers, rather to benefit them as individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people think that the main purpose of schools is to turn children into good citizens and workers, rather to benefit them as individuals. v. 1
People have different views about/ as to the primary goal of schools. While I agree that schools can transform children into useful members of society, I believe that they also bring benefits to students themselves. On the one hand, turning children into useful citizens is the main purpose of schools. The primary reason is that the same core subjects such as math, literature and civic education are present in the curriculum of most schools. Children, therefore, are expected to share the same moral standards, general knowledge and skills. If all members of society were to have such criteria, society would become more stable and civilized as the crime rate would be low. If schools were to fail to equip their students with needed skills or standards, they would not become productive members of society. Thus, it is understandable why schools’ main responsibility is to producing good members of society. On the other hand, it can argued that children themselves can reap of number of benefits. When children are taught a wide range of subjects, they can have the opportunity to become more well-rounded and widen their outlook on life. This would help them to be able to adapt to a new environment in their later life. Another benefit would be that schools are a perfect environment for students to develop their communication skill. This is largely because they are enabled to make friends with their classmates and talk to them virtually on a daily basis. This skill is considered / arguably highly beneficial for social life of children. In conclusion, it is my view that schools not only produce good citizens for society but also bring benefits for each individual student.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
views about/ as to the primary goal of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
. While I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
can transform
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
into useful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, I believe that they
also
bring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
themselves.

On the one hand, turning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
into useful citizens is the main purpose of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
. The primary reason is that the same core subjects such as math, literature and civic education are present in the curriculum of most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
,
therefore
, are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to share the same moral standards, general knowledge and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
. If all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
were to have such criteria,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
would become more stable and civilized as the crime rate would be low. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
were to fail to equip their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
with needed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
or standards, they would not become productive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
Thus
, it is understandable why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools’
main responsibility is
The word 'to' seems to be wrong here. "producing" is a present participle verb.
to producing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
of society.

On the other hand
, it can
The verb 'can' requires the base form of the verb: "argue"
argued
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
themselves can reap of number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are taught
a wide range of subjects, they can have the opportunity to become more well-rounded and widen their outlook on life. This would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to be able to adapt to a new environment in their later life. Another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefit
would be that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are a perfect environment for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to develop their communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
. This is
largely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
are enabled
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friends with their classmates and talk to them
virtually
on a daily basis. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
is considered
/
arguably
highly
beneficial for social life of children.

In conclusion
, it is my view that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
produce
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
citizens for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
bring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
for each individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
34Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay Some people think that the main purpose of schools is to turn children into good citizens and workers, rather to benefit them as individuals. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
281 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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