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Some people think the family has the most powerful influence on children's development. Others，however, believe that other things have greater effects. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.1

Some people think the family has the most powerful influence on children's development. Others，however, believe that other things have greater effects. v. 1
It is sometimes argued that travelling to a different society is causing people to change their mores and should adjust to traditional activities and convention. I completely disagree with this idea that, a person forced to conform to the native culture of the country that they enter in as a traveller. Firstly, With the advent of globalization and extending of cultural relativism people in worldwide have learned to accept and respect diversity ethnic. As a result of relativism mores are not strange and individual were able to live everywhere according to their folklores. These phenomena pave the way for resident, living in a foreign country without compulsion to accommodate to traditional standard in abroad and what is more they can continue living there with their own tradition. Secondly, although the acculturation process among cultures is inevitable, it does not mean this trend is obligated. Not only acculturation is not obligated and unilateral، but has also been mutual and voluntary. People voluntarily decide to adapt local lifestyle and custom or not, for example, there are many people, live in other countries, for a long time, but, they still treat with their own tradition, as well as, there are people who have converted their way of life, generally, people have the voluntary choose. To sum up, I personally refuse this statement that a person who travels in different culture should adjust to traditional standard and manner. Globalization and voluntarily choose are two main factors for people to live without constrain to adjust foreign culture. Cultural relativism provides appropriated situation for all individuals in various civilizations live together freely and also people acquire and adjust to the norm in acculturation processes voluntarily.
It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
argued that travelling to a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
society is causing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their mores and should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adjust
to traditional activities and convention. I completely disagree with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that, a person forced to conform to the native
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
of the country that they enter in as a
Possible spelling mistake found.
traveller
.

Firstly
, With the advent of globalization and extending of cultural relativism
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in worldwide have learned to accept and respect diversity ethnic.
As a result
of relativism mores are not strange and individual were able to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
everywhere according to their
Possible spelling mistake found.
folklores
. These phenomena pave the way for resident, living in a foreign country without compulsion to accommodate to traditional standard in abroad and
what is more
they can continue living there with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
tradition.

Secondly
, although the acculturation process among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
is inevitable, it does not mean this trend
is obligated
. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
acculturation is not obligated and
Possible spelling mistake found.
unilateral،
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
has
also
been mutual and voluntary.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
voluntarily
decide to adapt local lifestyle and custom or not,
for example
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in other countries, for a long time,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, they
still
treat with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
tradition,
as well
as, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have converted their way of life,
generally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have the voluntary choose.

To sum up, I
personally
refuse this statement that a person who travels in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adjust
to traditional standard and manner. Globalization and
voluntarily
choose are two main factors for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
without constrain to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adjust
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
. Cultural relativism provides appropriated situation for all individuals in various civilizations
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
together
freely
and
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
acquire and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adjust
to the norm in acculturation processes
voluntarily
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think the family has the most powerful influence on children's development. Others，however, believe that other things have greater effects. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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