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Some people think the family has the most powerful influence on children's development. Others，however, believe that other things have greater effects. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.2

Some people think the family has the most powerful influence on children's development. Others，however, believe that other things have greater effects. v. 2
In this day and age, children’s development is affected by tons of factors. There is little doubt that family plays a crucial role in children growing up, but I would argue some other factors like schools, the circle of friends also have a great influence on the development of children. Many people are advocates of family environment affecting kid’s development greatly, possibly because family members can get in touch with their children every day, and their behavior may have a direct influence on their children. For instance, some bad behavior such as smoking and drinking wine can be imitated by children when parents do these things on a regular basis. As a result, children may form these behaviors in such a young age which have a negative influence on their future life. In contrast to this, parents who always teach their children how to share things with others, how to respect others can make children’s behaviors more socially acceptable. Consequently, children can grow up in a healthy environment. Some people argue that some other reasons like teachers may be an important affection on children’s development due to the fact that these children obtain a great deal of knowledge from their teachers. The knowledge they get at a young age holds the key to their growth because they can distinguish right from wrong. As an example, schools are places where teacher impart knowledge into students, they can not only study moral principle and behavior norms that are important to their personalities, but also some core subjects such as science and technology which play an important role in their careers. If the school can emphasize the importance of doing the above things, children are likely to develop more successfully. In my opinion, children have their own life circles making a big difference in their development. They hang out with their peers, such as playing sports, chatting together and so on. As a result, they can learn tons of things no matter positive or negative as a result of communicating with their friend, and form what they got can also affect their life effective.
In this day and age,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by tons of factors. There is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
doubt that family plays a crucial role in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
growing up,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I would argue
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
factors like schools, the circle of friends
also
have a great influence on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of children.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are advocates of family environment affecting kid’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
greatly
,
possibly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
family members can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
in touch with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
every day, and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
may have a direct influence on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
such as smoking and drinking wine can
be imitated
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
when parents do these things on a regular basis.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may form these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behaviors
in such a young age which have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influence on their future life.
In contrast
to this, parents who always teach their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
how to share things with others, how to respect others can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behaviors
more
socially
acceptable.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can grow up in a healthy environment.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
reasons like teachers may be an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
affection on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
due to the fact that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
obtain a great deal of knowledge from their teachers. The knowledge they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
at a young age holds the key to their growth
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can distinguish right from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
. As an example, schools are places where teacher impart knowledge into students, they can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
study moral principle and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
norms that are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to their personalities,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
core subjects such as science and technology which play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in their careers. If the school can emphasize the importance of doing the above things,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are likely to develop more
successfully
.

In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
life circles making a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
difference in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
. They hang out with their peers, such as playing sports, chatting together and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
As a result
, they can learn tons of things no matter
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
as a result
of communicating with their friend, and form what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
can
also
affect their
Did you mean "lives"?
life
effective.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think the family has the most powerful influence on children's development. Others，however, believe that other things have greater effects. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
351 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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