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Some people believe that the family has a greater influence on the child's development. Others believe that other influences have a greater influence. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.2

Some people believe that the family has a greater influence on the child's development. Others believe that other influences have a greater influence. v. 2
Although it is sometimes accepted family plays a significant role in a child' s development, there are some who throw a balance in favor of other factors such as television, music, and friends. However, I believe that the progress of a child is an interplay of both family and external factors. On the one hand, people claim that children can learn moral values under the eye of their parents. As a result, they can become responsible citizens in the future. For instance, younger minds need proper guidance to survive in society. Hence, only parents can teach them as they are emotionally attached to their wards. Additionally, parents are well aware of the needs and capabilities of their blood and can teach their children in a simple way. Moreover, children need individuals attention to learn better which is possible only when one has the blessing of having parents. On the other hand, many factors such as television, music, and friends are thought to make an individual confident and learn more skills such as confrontation and co-ordination. In other words, a child can learn how to be independent. To illustrate, students in schools, who have a positive friend circle, are better in decision making. Furthermore, many movies are proven effective in making children aware of history and the culture of various countries. So, they widen the horizons of minds. Not only movies but the music in them also work wonders in helping the young minds to learn about the customs and the traditions of their nations. Punjabi songs, for instance, showing many areas of Punjab can persuade many to learn more about it. In conclusion, considering both the viewpoints, I am convinced that all the above-mentioned factors are crucial in developing a child' s mind in the right direction. However, parents need to supervise their wards whenever they are in the company of their friends. Giving equal importance to every factor is key to the holistic development of a child, I believe.
Although it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
family plays a significant role in a
Possible spelling mistake found.
child&
#039; s development, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
who throw a balance in favor of other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
such as television, music, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
.
However
, I believe that the progress of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
is an interplay of both family and external factors.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
claim that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
moral values under the eye of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
As a result
, they can become responsible citizens in the future.
For instance
, younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minds
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
proper guidance to survive in society.
Hence
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can teach them as they are
emotionally
attached to their wards.
Additionally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are well aware of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
and capabilities of their blood and can teach their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
Consider replacing "in a simple way" with the adverb for "simple"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a simple way
.

Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
individuals attention to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
better which is possible
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
when one has the blessing of having parents.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
such as television, music, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an individual confident and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
such as confrontation and co-ordination.
In other words
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
how to be independent. To illustrate, students in schools, who have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
circle, are better in
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
decision making
.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
movies
are proven
effective in making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
aware of history and the culture of various countries.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, they widen the horizons of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minds
. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
movies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the music in them
also
work wonders in helping the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minds
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
about the customs and the traditions of their nations. Punjabi songs,
for instance
, showing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
areas of Punjab can persuade
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
more about it.

In conclusion
, considering both the viewpoints, I
am convinced
that all the above-mentioned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
are crucial in developing a
Possible spelling mistake found.
child&
#039; s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
in the right direction.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to supervise their wards whenever they are in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
. Giving equal importance to every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
is key to the holistic development of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
, I believe.
17Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
35Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay Some people believe that the family has a greater influence on the child's development. Others believe that other influences have a greater influence. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
330 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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