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For many employers formal academic qualifications are becoming more important than experience Why is that Is it a positive or negative development v.1

For many employers formal academic qualifications are becoming more important than experience Why is that Is it a positive or negative development v. 1
Nowadays, there is an increased number of people consuming fast food on a regular basis that make them at risk for several health diseases. I completely disagree with the proposal of some that the ultimate action to address this problem is to ban fast food chains completely as there are better solutions like health promotion and doing regular exercise. Firstly, eradication of fast food does not guarantee a healthy population because there are a lot of factors in maintaining optimal health. Health promotion through mass media and print ads can educate the masses on what is the right amount and kind of food to consume. In this way, people will have enough knowledge about healthy foods and the appropriate amount to take. In addition, media advertisement about calorie counting will inform the crowd that occasional fast food consumption can be done in accordance to the calorie needed by the body and the kind of nutrients it contain. For instance, some fast food in Korea like McDonald’s is providing a detailed information regarding the calories each meal that their costumer can see before ordering. Moreover, regular physical activities are also important in obtaining healthy body. Government may invest in creating free gym facilities that the people can access that are near their houses. Schools may also promote regular exercise my incorporating it into their curriculum and encouraging their students to have regular physical activities. In other words, educational institutions may have an hour break from tedious classroom lecture and encourage them to do brisk walking in their school gyms or quadrangles. In conclusion, despite some people having an opinion that closure of fast food is the only answer to growing population having heart issues, I completely disagree and believe that information dissemination through the media and regular exercise are still the best way to address this concern.
Nowadays, there is an increased number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
consuming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
on a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regular
basis that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
for several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
diseases. I completely disagree with the proposal of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that the ultimate action to address this problem is to ban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
chains completely as there are better solutions like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
promotion and doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regular
exercise.

Firstly
, eradication of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
does not guarantee a healthy population
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
factors in maintaining optimal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Health
promotion through mass media and print ads can educate the masses on what is the right amount and kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
to consume. In this way,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
knowledge about healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
and the appropriate amount to take.
In addition
, media advertisement about calorie counting will inform the crowd that occasional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
consumption can
be done
in accordance to the calorie needed by the body and the kind of nutrients it
Did you mean "contains"?
contain
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
in Korea like McDonald’s is providing
'information' is a mass noun (i.e., uncountable). Therefore, the preceding 'a' is probably wrong.
a detailed information
regarding the calories each meal that their costumer can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
ordering.

Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regular
physical activities are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in obtaining healthy body.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
may invest in creating free gym facilities that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can access that are near their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
. Schools may
also
promote
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regular
exercise my incorporating it into their curriculum and encouraging their students to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regular
physical activities.
In other words
, educational institutions may have an hour break from tedious classroom lecture and encourage them to do brisk walking in their school gyms or quadrangles.

In conclusion
, despite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
having an opinion that closure of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
answer to growing population having heart issues, I completely disagree and believe that information dissemination through the media and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regular
exercise are
still
the best way to address this concern.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Learn a new language and get a new soul.
Czech Proverb

IELTS essay For many employers formal academic qualifications are becoming more important than experience Why is that Is it a positive or negative development v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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