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Some people think that zoos are all cruel and should be closed down. Others however believe that zoos can be useful in protecting wild animals. Discuss both opinions and give your own opinion. v.2

Some people think that zoos are all cruel and should be closed down. Others however believe that zoos can be useful in protecting wild animals. v. 2
In today’s world, there is a controversy whether zoos should be closed down because of cruelty. Although some people are of opinion that zoos are integral places, which help threaten animals to survive and prevent extinction. From my own perspective, I totally agree that the shortcomings overshadow advantages and zoos should be closed down. There are some reason why zoos are useful thus far. First of all, because of climate change and human overpopulation, wild habitats are harmful and limited. Loss of habitats causes number of endangered animal species decreasing significantly and dying out in nearby day. Hence, zoo is an artificial habitats which is created for animal conservation. In fact, zoos are provided plenty of high-tech equipment and managed by trained staff. Therefore, endangered animals can be cured by quality medication and escaped from extinction via captive breeding. Moreover, zoos are the places where for people to visit for entertainment and education about wild life, such as: number of wild animal species, animal’s nutrient pyramids, habitat condition. Nevertheless, it is true that most zoos currently use cruel treatments to manage their cages. Despite preserving the wild animals in artificial environment, lots of animals tend to suffer in the confines and constantly live in psychological pressure. As a result, numerous wild animal species become extinct in the artificial environment which is called “zoo” and it turn out to be belied the purpose of zoo. Furthermore, enhancing the knowledge about wild life is not prevalent reason for visiting the zoo. Most of people are enjoyable due to animal abuse. For example, many people throw objects into the cages and animals, such as: redundant food, rubbish. To sum up, animals should be protected but does not have to be in zoos. Zoos are cruel to animals and they should be closed down.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s world, there is a controversy whether zoos should
be closed
down
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of cruelty. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are of opinion that zoos are integral places, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
threaten
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
to survive and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
extinction. From my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
perspective, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the shortcomings overshadow advantages and zoos should
be closed
down.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reason why zoos are useful
thus
far.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of climate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
and human overpopulation, wild habitats are harmful and limited. Loss of habitats causes number of endangered
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
species decreasing
significantly
and dying out in nearby day.
Hence
, zoo is an artificial
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "habitat"?
habitats
which
is created
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
conservation. In fact, zoos
are provided
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of high-tech equipment and managed by trained staff.
Therefore
, endangered
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
can
be cured
by quality medication and escaped from extinction via captive breeding.
Moreover
, zoos are the places where for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to visit for entertainment and education about wild life, such as: number of wild
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
species,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal’s
nutrient pyramids,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habitat
condition.

Nevertheless
, it is true that most zoos
currently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
cruel treatments to manage their cages. Despite preserving the wild
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
in artificial environment, lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
tend to suffer in the confines and
constantly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in psychological pressure.
As a result
, numerous wild
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
species become extinct in the artificial environment which
is called
“zoo” and it
Did you mean "turns"?
turn
out to
be belied
the purpose of zoo.
Furthermore
, enhancing the knowledge about wild life is not prevalent reason for visiting the zoo. Most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are enjoyable due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
abuse.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
throw objects into the cages and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
, such as: redundant food, rubbish.

To sum up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
should
be protected
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
does not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be in zoos. Zoos are cruel to
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
animals and
they should
be closed
down.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that zoos are all cruel and should be closed down. Others however believe that zoos can be useful in protecting wild animals. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
300 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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