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Some people believe that the increasing number of vehicles is one of the biggest problem facing cities, while others believe that cities have bigger challenges. Discuss both views and state your opinion. v.1

Some people believe that the increasing number of vehicles is one of the biggest problem facing cities, while others believe that cities have bigger challenges. v. 1
In recent years, the world witnesses an obvious rise in the rate of pollution due to the spreading of some detrimental gases. Although, some people believe that the vehicles are the major contributors, resulting in this issue, others argue that the manufacturing process that takes place in various factories is the main source of this problem. In this essay, I will discuss both views with a reasoned opinion. To begin with, cars produce a huge amount of toxic gases that affect people's respiratory system and cause hazardous diseases. To clarify, due to the existence of the automobiles nearly everywhere, people are more exposed to car emissions that can be one of the main reasons for decreasing the average lifetime. As a result of this, most of the car industries had taken immediate action to mitigate car emissions to diminish its harmful effects. On the flip side, the industrial prosperous have a negative investment in the increase of the number of toxic gases all over the world. To clarify, because of the vast development in many industrial fields, substantial amounts of injurious gases are produced daily by many factories. As a result of this, not only will it raise the world's footprint, but it will also contribute as a major factor to the air pollution phenomenon. In my view, both car emissions and industries pollution are harmful to every human being. However, on account that the car industries endeavour to find solutions for this problem, manufacturing processes will be the main contributor to this issue society.
In recent years, the world witnesses an obvious rise in the rate of pollution due to the spreading of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
detrimental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gases
. Although,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that the vehicles are the major contributors, resulting in this issue, others argue that the manufacturing process that takes place in various factories is the main source of this problem. In this essay, I will discuss both views with a reasoned opinion.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cars
produce a huge amount of toxic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gases
that affect
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's respiratory system and cause hazardous diseases. To clarify, due to the existence of the automobiles
nearly
everywhere,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are more exposed to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
emissions that can be one of the main reasons for decreasing the average lifetime.
As a result
of this, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
industries had taken immediate action to mitigate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
emissions to diminish its harmful effects.

On the flip side, the industrial prosperous have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
investment in the increase of the number of toxic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gases
all over the world. To clarify,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the vast development in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
industrial fields, substantial amounts of injurious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gases
are produced
daily by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
factories.
As a result
of this, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
will it raise the world's footprint,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it will
also
contribute as a major factor to the air pollution phenomenon.

In my view, both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
emissions and industries pollution are harmful to every human being.
However
, on account that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
industries
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavour' is British English.
endeavour
to find solutions for this problem, manufacturing processes will be the main contributor to this issue society.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Some people believe that the increasing number of vehicles is one of the biggest problem facing cities, while others believe that cities have bigger challenges. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
255 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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