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Some people think that young people should spend more of their free time at home with their families and spend less time entertaining outside, Others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.3

Some people think that young people should spend more of their free time at home with their families and spend less time entertaining outside, Others disagree. v. 3
How to manage leisure time comes to an important problem to be solved nowadays since it is a dilemma to choose between spending time with family members and having fun outsides. In fact, there are various reasons for both sides and they can hold water. For most people, the family comes first under any circumstances. When they are young, they need to show their gratefulness towards parents who raise them up, and then, after growing up, they shoulder the responsibility to support and educate children in the family. In this way, everyone should accompany families, who are the most precious people in the world, as much time as possible. On the other hand, it will stress people out if there is no time to enjoy themselves outside without family members. Life is far more than family, and they need to hang out with friends, work with colleagues or date with lovers. From my point of view, spending more time with family is needed. Actually, people put the most of time outside and less and less time at home with their beloved because they should work 40 hours per week, meet up with business partners and kit at shopping malls with buddies. There are too few hours for families. In addition, people still can be entertained, or entertained more, when they spend time with family members. No rules to regulate what should be a family gathering and every family member can host one theme they love. Thus, tremendous happiness could be created in family time. In conclusion, there is no doubt that people are independent of both family and out-family time to be happy, but companying with families ought to be the main parts of daily life.
How to manage leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
problem to
be solved
nowadays since it is a dilemma to choose between spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
and having fun outsides. In fact, there are various reasons for both
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
sides and
they can hold water.

For most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
first
under any circumstances. When they are young, they need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their gratefulness towards parents who raise them up, and then, after growing up, they shoulder the responsibility to support and educate children in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. In this way, everyone should accompany
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
, who are the most precious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the world, as much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
as possible.
On the other hand
, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
out if there is no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to enjoy themselves outside without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
. Life is far more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, and they need to hang out with friends, work with colleagues or date with lovers.

From my point of view, spending more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is needed
. Actually,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
put the most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
outside and less and less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at home with their beloved
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they should work 40 hours per week,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
up with business partners and kit at shopping malls with buddies. There are too few hours for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
still
can
be entertained
, or entertained more, when they spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
. No
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
to regulate what should be a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
gathering and every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
member
can host one theme they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
.
Thus
, tremendous happiness could
be created
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
time.

In conclusion
, there is no doubt that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are independent of both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and out-family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to be happy,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
Possible spelling mistake found.
companying
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
ought to be the main parts of daily life.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
33Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that young people should spend more of their free time at home with their families and spend less time entertaining outside, Others disagree. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
286 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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