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Some people think that young ones should spend more of their free time at home with their families and less time entertaining themselves outside, others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.2

Some people think that young ones should spend more of their free time at home with their families and less time entertaining themselves outside, others disagree. v. 2
It is thought by many that children should allocate much of their leisure time to their parents, while others believe that they should enjoy themselves outside as it is more significant. In my opinion, spending quality time with parents is more important than being outside. This essay will delineate both sides of the view with valid arguments and examples. People who believe that youngsters should spend more time at home have their justifications. This is because parents can inculcate moral values and ethics to their young ones. Moreover, it helps in creating strong bonding between families. In contrast, if they do not spend quality time with their loved ones, their bonding will not be strong enough. Studies have shown that children who spend more time with their parents have better manners than their counterparts. Thus, spending leisure time with families is of utmost importance. On the other hand, some people think that going outside is equally vital. Youngsters can indulge themselves in some physical activity and live a healthier life. In addition to that, it helps them to interact with the outer world and make new friends. However, people who do not interact much outside of their families while growing up will fail miserably in making real connections at their workplace. To conclude, although spending time outside helps them to interact with people and make new connections, the values that parents can teach in a family setting are invaluable. I believe that young ones should not only devote their free time to their family, but also manage to take some time from their busy schedule for themselves.
It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
that children should allocate much of their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, while others believe that they should enjoy themselves
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outside
as it is more significant. In my opinion, spending quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outside
. This essay will delineate both sides of the view with valid arguments and examples.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
who believe that youngsters should spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at home have their justifications. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can inculcate moral values and ethics to their young ones.
Moreover
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in creating strong bonding between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
.
In contrast
, if they do not spend quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones, their bonding will not be strong
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
. Studies have shown that children who spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have better manners than their counterparts.
Thus
, spending leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
is of utmost importance.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that going
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outside
is
equally
vital. Youngsters can indulge themselves in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
physical activity and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a healthier life.
In addition
to that, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to interact with the outer world and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
new friends.
However
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who do not interact much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outside
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
while growing up will fail
miserably
in making real connections at their workplace.

To conclude
, although spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outside
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to interact with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
new connections, the values that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can teach in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
setting are invaluable. I believe that young ones should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
devote their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
manage to take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
from their busy schedule for themselves.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS essay Some people think that young ones should spend more of their free time at home with their families and less time entertaining themselves outside, others disagree. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
267 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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