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Children rely too much on the technology, like computers, smart phones, video games for fun and entertainment. Playing simpler toys or playing outside with friends would be better for children's development. v.2

Children rely too much on the technology, like computers, smart phones, video games for fun and entertainment. Playing simpler toys or playing outside with friends would be better for children's development. v. 2
Children love to play and as we know that technology is growing by leaps and bounds everyday. All these technological advancements like computers, smartphones etc have bound the children to spend lot of there time on them like playing video games etc. But are these sources of entertainment positive for the children or these sources have negative impact on their development. Personally, I strongly believe that playing outside with friends far more outweigh any negative repercussions. To begin with, children are the future of the country, therefore health of children is of utmost importance. Playing outside in the open and fresh air will keep them healthy. Also the physical work in playing outdoor games such as football. volleyball, soccer, hockey etc will make their body more strong. Hence, children will gain extensive stamina and fitness, which will help them in doing studies efficiently and effectively. For instance, my ten years old nephew go out in the nearby park every evening to play with his friends. Initially he used to get sick every next day and felt so much tiredness after spending hours in school. When he started going out in the park, he got fresh air to breath and the fun that he got after playing with friends cured all his sickness. His health improved a lot when he started to play in open fresh environment. Furthermore, children get to make more new friends. To play games in closed rooms does not allow them to interact with outer world and thus they are bound in their own lives and would not make new friends. As we all know friends are of prime importance in our life, without them life becomes boring and bland. However, the current technology is not allowing them to experience the feeling of spending time with friends. For example, during my childhood days, I used to go to play football in the playgound attached to our apartment. Gradually I made many good friends, who are still in touch with me and we spend hours talking to each other and also help each other in time of needs. In conclusion, I strongly believe that playing outside with friends is better for the children because it provides them with a sound heath as well as children can make good friends and enjoy the fun of friendships.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
and as we know that technology is growing by leaps and bounds
'Everyday' is an adjective. Did you mean "every day"?
everyday
. All these technological advancements like computers, smartphones etc have bound the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to spend
It seems that an article is missing.
lot of
there time on them like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
video games etc.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
are these sources of entertainment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
or these sources have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on their development.
Personally
, I
strongly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
outside with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
far more outweigh any
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
repercussions.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are the future of the country,
therefore
health of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is of utmost importance.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Playing
outside in the open and fresh air will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them healthy.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
the physical work in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
outdoor games such as football.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
volleyball
, soccer, hockey etc will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
their body more strong.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will gain extensive stamina and fitness, which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them in doing studies
efficiently
and
effectively
.
For instance
, my ten years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
nephew go out in the nearby park every evening to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
with his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
.
Initially
he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
sick every
next
day and felt
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much tiredness after spending hours in school. When he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
going out in the park, he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
fresh air to breath and the fun that he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
cured all his sickness. His health
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
a lot when he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
in open fresh environment.

Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
more new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
. To
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
games in closed rooms does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to interact with outer world and
thus
they
are bound
in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and would not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
. As we all know
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
are of prime importance in our life, without them life becomes boring and bland.
However
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
technology is not allowing them to experience the feeling of spending time with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
.
For example
, during my childhood days, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
football in the
Possible spelling mistake found.
playgound
attached to our apartment.
Gradually
I made
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
, who are
still
in touch with
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
me and
we spend hours talking to each other and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
each other in time of needs.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
outside with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
is better for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it provides them with a sound heath
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
and enjoy the fun of friendships.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
34Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Children rely too much on the technology, like computers, smart phones, video games for fun and entertainment. Playing simpler toys or playing outside with friends would be better for children's development. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
387 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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