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Some people think that young people should spend more of their free time at home with their families and spend less time entertaining themselves outside, others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people think that young people should spend more of their free time at home with their families and spend less time entertaining themselves outside, others disagree. v. 1
Time is altering and so are the methods that children spend their leisure time, whether the past-time is spent with their families or social groups. Although some argue that children’s luxury time must be indoors with their immediate family, it is refuted by this essay that this may not be the case. There are numerous reasons for supporting these states, two of which are boosting creativity and being well raised up. On the one hand, societies are concluded various types of levels and allowing children talk and play freely with other friends may effect on their behaviour and change them to a rude and stubborn. For instance, imagine a twelve-year-old boy who most of his free-time is spent with friends that they pickpocket for fun. Hence, he step by step does the same attitude, because he does not want to feel like he is the odd one out and after a while he may get used to this behaviour and it becomes as his trait. It is, thus, crucial for younger people to be frequently under their parents supervision and spend more time with them. On the other hand, children who spend their free time outside and they go on an adventure and try new things they become more innovative and learn who to tackle their problems easily, by thinking out of the box. Take, as an illustration, a 10 year old girl who signed up for an English class and attempts to learn a new language in a group. Doing so, she challenges her cognitive skills to overcome this issue after she succeed, she can speak and read not only her mother tongue but also in a foreign language and that assist her to find new mechanisms for addressing problems and improving creativity. It is, thus, crucial to take some time aside in order to develop new skills and boost innovation. To recapitulate, while spending time with immediate family makes youngsters more decent, going outside and finding out what are individuals good at and broad their vision is one of the most irreplaceable feelings that cannot be achieved, unless they be away from family and home.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Time
is altering and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
are the methods that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, whether the past-time
is spent
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
or social groups. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
luxury
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be indoors with their immediate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, it
is refuted
by this essay that this may not be the case. There are numerous reasons for supporting these states, two of which are boosting creativity and being well raised up.

On the one hand, societies
are concluded
various types of levels and allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
talk and play
freely
with other friends may
Did you mean "affect"?
effect
on their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
them to a rude and stubborn.
For instance
, imagine a twelve-year-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
boy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
most of his free-time
is spent
with friends that
Do not use a noun immediately after the pronoun 'they'. Use a verb or an adverb, or possibly some other part of speech.
they pickpocket
for fun.
Hence
,
Do not use a noun immediately after the pronoun 'he'. Use a verb or an adverb, or possibly some other part of speech.
he step
by step does the same attitude,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he does not want to feel like he is the odd one out and after a while he may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to this
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and it becomes as his trait. It is,
thus
, crucial for younger
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to be
frequently
under their parents supervision and spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with them.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
spend their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
outside and
they go on an adventure and try
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things they become more innovative and learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
to tackle their problems
easily
, by thinking out of the box. Take, as an illustration, a 10 year
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
girl
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
signed up for an English
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
and attempts to learn a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
language in a group. Doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, she challenges her cognitive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to overcome this issue after she
The pronoun 'she' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "succeeds", "succeeded".
succeed
, she can speak and read not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
her mother tongue
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
in a foreign language and that assist her to find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
mechanisms for addressing problems and improving creativity. It is,
thus
, crucial to take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
aside in order to develop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and boost innovation.

To recapitulate, while spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with immediate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
youngsters more decent, going outside and finding out what are individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at and broad their vision is one of the most irreplaceable feelings that cannot
be achieved
, unless they be away from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and home.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay Some people think that young people should spend more of their free time at home with their families and spend less time entertaining themselves outside, others disagree. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
357 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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