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after completion of schooling, the students are want to wok rather than study in college. give overall opinion and support by giving examples. v.1

after completion of schooling, the students are want to wok rather than study in college. give overall opinion and support by giving examples. v. 1
It is common to see players wearing the products from sponsorships during sports games. Supporters of advertisement think that this is a positive approach for companies to promote their products, while I personally believe that doing so may affect player's performance during the competition. Firstly, one of positive benefits for sports teams is that they are able to obtain the number of free resources from sponsors and do not have to be distracted by financial worries. Simultaneously, when players wearing linked companies, brands products in life, it brings a lot of opportunities for many companies to expose their products on social media platforms, which the sales are much faster than traditional advertisement on TV. On the other hand, gaining any benefits from firms has its drawbacks, which the products those players advertising may have harmful to their health. For instance, watching any sport games is like kinds of the entertainment so some drinking companies will take advantage of this to advertise their products; however, it is not an optimistic thing for players who often to drink high sugar products in order to stimulate its sales. In the firm's points of view, they are likely to concern about the performance of players if they lose in the game and then it may affect product sales. What is more, a player who does drugs and misbehaves probably have a negative consequence for companies' reputation. In conclusion, although advertising on the sporting supports players to do well, some products may cause their health issues. However, in my opinion, people should take into account that player's invisible pressure from product sales can influence their performance.
It is common to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
wearing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
from sponsorships during sports games. Supporters of advertisement
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
approach for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
to promote their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
, while I
personally
believe that doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
may affect player's performance during the competition.

Firstly
, one of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
benefits for sports teams is that they are able to obtain the number of free resources from sponsors and do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be distracted
by financial worries.
Simultaneously
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
wearing linked
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
, brands
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
in life, it brings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
opportunities for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
to expose their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
on social media platforms, which the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
are much faster than traditional advertisement on TV.

On the other hand
, gaining any benefits from firms has its drawbacks, which the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
advertising may have harmful to their health.
For instance
, watching any sport games is like kinds of the entertainment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drinking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
will take advantage of this to advertise their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
;
however
, it is not an optimistic thing for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
who
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
to drink high sugar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
in order to stimulate its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
. In the firm's points of view, they are likely to concern about the performance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
if they lose in the game and then it may affect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
.
What is more
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
player
who does drugs and misbehaves
probably
have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequence for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
' reputation.

In conclusion
, although advertising on the sporting supports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
to do well,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
may cause their health issues.
However
, in my opinion,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should take into account that player's invisible pressure from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
can influence their performance.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay after completion of schooling, the students are want to wok rather than study in college. give overall opinion and support by giving examples. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
271 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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