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Some people think that watching TV causes weight problems in children. Do you agree with this view? What solution you can suggest to tackle children’s weight problem? v.1

Some people think that watching TV causes weight problems in children. Do you agree with this view? What solution you can suggest to tackle children’s weight problem? v. 1
Technological advancement has changed our lives significantly. There are a variety of home entertainment available and most of the children spend their leisure time at home, watching TV and playing online games in recent years. Some people argue that this has led to a negative health consequence among children, and an increasing number of young people are becoming obese. I agree with the above point, and this issue can be tackled by two simple ways- increasing physical activity and leading a healthy diet. It is widely acknowledged that a sedentary lifestyle contributes to weight gain. As many children spend hours in watching TV and playing games rather than playing outside, they are prone to obesity. According to a study conducted in Australia, the prevalence of obesity among school age children has increased significantly in the past 30 years. This is a critical issue as being overweight is often correlated to health complications such as early onset diabetes and mental diseases among young children. Some actions need to be taken to reduce the likelihood of childhood obesity, otherwise the situation will only worsen, and further health complications may occur. As weight gain is related to physical inactivity and unhealthy diet, children should be encouraged to participate in regular exercise and intake adequate nutrients from healthy food. For example, pupils can participate in a regular workout if it is incorporated into a school curriculum. Furthermore, they can participate in a sport club outside of school to increase their physical activities. Regular exercise and healthy diet are the keys in maintaining healthy weight and reducing long-term health issues such as cardiovascular diseases and diabetes in later life; therefore, children should be encouraged to pursue this healthy lifestyle. In conclusion, although modern technologies such as the internet and television have made our lives convenient and more entertaining, an increasing number of children suffer from obesity due to lifestyle changes brought by the technological development. Children should engage in exercise and have healthy meals to maintain their health by avoiding overweight.
Technological advancement has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
significantly
. There are a variety of home entertainment available and most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend their leisure time at home, watching TV and playing online games in recent years.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that this has led to a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
The usual preposition to use after "consequence" is not "among". Did you mean "consequence of", "consequence for", or "consequence on"?
consequence among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, and an increasing number of young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are becoming obese. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the above point, and this issue can
be tackled
by two simple ways- increasing physical activity and leading a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
diet.

It is
widely
acknowledged that a sedentary lifestyle contributes to weight gain. As
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend hours in watching TV and playing games
rather
than playing outside, they are prone to obesity. According to a study conducted in Australia, the prevalence of obesity among school age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
has increased
significantly
in the past 30 years. This is a critical issue as being overweight is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
correlated to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
complications such as early onset diabetes and mental diseases among young children.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
actions need to
be taken
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the likelihood of childhood obesity,
otherwise
the situation will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
worsen, and
further
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
complications may occur. As weight gain
is related
to physical inactivity and unhealthy diet,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be encouraged
to participate in regular exercise and intake adequate nutrients from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
food.
For example
, pupils can participate in a regular workout if it
is incorporated
into a school curriculum.
Furthermore
, they can participate in a sport club outside of school to increase their physical activities. Regular exercise and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
diet are the keys in maintaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
weight and reducing long-term
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
issues such as cardiovascular diseases and diabetes in later life;
therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be encouraged
to pursue this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
lifestyle.

In conclusion
, although modern technologies such as the internet and television have made our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
convenient and more entertaining, an increasing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
suffer from obesity due to lifestyle
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
brought by the technological development.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
should engage in exercise and have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
meals to maintain their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
by avoiding overweight.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that watching TV causes weight problems in children. Do you agree with this view? What solution you can suggest to tackle children’s weight problem? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
336 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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