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The amount of time spend on sport and exercise should be increased in schools in order to tackle the problem of overweight children? Do you think this is the best way to deal with the problem? What other solution can you suggest? v.2

The amount of time spend on sport and exercise should be increased in schools in order to tackle the problem of overweight children? Do you think this is the best way to deal with the problem? What other solution can you suggest? v. 2
Health issues have become increasingly a major crux among youngsters in this century. Being overweight can be attributed to unhealthy eating and lack of corporal activities. This essay will discuss why the rise of exercise can lead a deplorable impact on child's and also outline some possible steps. To begin with, physical activity is essential for children's growth, but it cannot lessen the obesity by doing an excessive amount of exercise. First and foremost, anything with excessive is not preferable for adolescent wellbeing, but this overabundance in their curriculum can affect their mentality and overall development. For example, children have the minimal capability of bodily process so if they play all the long they must be feeling exhausted and physically inefficient to focus on their studies. These few instances can bolster the existing concept that kids should sustain a balance on their regular basis, however sports and games are also required for physical fitness. Parents should be more compassionate and meticulous towards their offspring to determine the cause of obesity. First of all, infants are mostly influenced by the television ads to eat fast food. So, parents should constitute the list of their kids meal and nutritious product to prevent them from bad habits. Moreover, health awareness should provide on the educational system. For instance, most of the masses in Japan do not face any major health issues in their lives because they were taught health related lessons in their schools. That's why alone parents can't exclude these problems without informative conscientiousness. In conclusion, this essay discussed relying on activities and games cannot ensure the child's healthy live. To infer, I'm convinced that people and seminary should be cooperating to take preventive approaches towards infant hygiene.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Health
issues have become
increasingly
a major crux among youngsters in this century. Being overweight can
be attributed
to unhealthy eating and lack of corporal activities. This essay will discuss why the rise of exercise can lead a deplorable impact on child's and
also
outline
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
possible steps.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, physical activity is essential for children's growth,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it cannot lessen the obesity by doing an excessive amount of exercise.
First
and foremost, anything with excessive is not preferable for adolescent
Possible spelling mistake found.
wellbeing
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this overabundance in their curriculum can affect their mentality and
overall
development.
For example
, children have the minimal capability of
bodily
process
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
if they play all the long they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be feeling exhausted and
physically
inefficient to focus on their studies. These few instances can bolster the existing concept that kids should sustain a balance on their regular basis,
however
sports and games are
also
required for physical fitness.

Parents should be more compassionate and meticulous towards their offspring to determine the cause of obesity.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, infants are
mostly
influenced by the television ads to eat
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, parents should constitute the list of their kids meal and nutritious product to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
them from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
awareness should provide on the educational system.
For instance
, most of the masses in Japan do not face any major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
issues in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
were taught
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
related lessons in their schools. That's why alone parents can't exclude these problems without informative conscientiousness.

In conclusion
, this essay discussed relying on activities and games cannot ensure the child's healthy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
. To infer, I'm convinced that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and seminary should be cooperating to take preventive approaches towards infant hygiene.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay The amount of time spend on sport and exercise should be increased in schools in order to tackle the problem of overweight children? Do you think this is the best way to deal with the problem? What other solution can you suggest? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
286 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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