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Some people think that to ensure a happier society, there should be only a small difference in the earninings between the poorest and the richest members. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people think that to ensure a happier society, there should be only a small difference in the earninings between the poorest and the richest members. v. 1
Reducing the distinction of the salaries of rich and poor members of society is considered by some people to be an effective way of achieving happiness. I completely disagree with this point of view and I believe there are other methods to provide happiness and satisfaction for people. To begin with, eliminating the gap between all members might be detrimental to societies. Firstly, if people in all professions received the same wages, this would lead to laziness and individuals would instead pursue easy careers instead of demanding ones. For instance, people trying to become doctors or engineers to receive high salaries can instead work part-time in any industry and still get paid a high salary. Secondly, reducing the disparity among different social class may create a boring culture in the society. Which means that competition among individuals to become rich may disappear because all people get the same income regardless of the job they are doing. On the other hand, there are several ways to produce a more enjoyable life, as government plays a vital role in this changing society. To be precise, governments can provide more job opportunities to ensure an equality in a more positive way and in many cases, poor people can become rich by working hard and demonstrating their talents. Moreover, a happy society highly depends on the services that governments provide for their citizens. For example, if all countries provided free education and health care for their population, its people would become happier. In conclusion, closing difference between rich and poor individuals cannot make society happy, however, I firmly believe that free education and health care are the most effective way to increase social happiness.
Reducing the distinction of the salaries of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
and poor members of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
is considered
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to be an effective way of achieving happiness. I completely disagree with this point of view and I believe there are other methods to provide happiness and satisfaction for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, eliminating the gap between all members might be detrimental to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
.
Firstly
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in all professions received the same wages, this would lead to laziness and individuals would
instead
pursue easy careers
instead
of demanding ones.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
trying to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
doctors or engineers to receive high salaries can
instead
work part-time in any industry and
still
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
paid a high salary.
Secondly
, reducing the disparity among
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
may create a boring culture in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. Which means that competition among individuals to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
may disappear
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the same income regardless of the job they are doing.

On the other hand
, there are several ways to produce a more enjoyable life, as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
plays a vital role in this changing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. To be precise,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
can provide more job opportunities to ensure an equality in a more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
way and in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases, poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
by working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
and demonstrating their talents.
Moreover
, a happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
highly
depends on the services that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
provide for their citizens.
For example
, if all countries provided free education and health care for their population, its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
happier.

In conclusion
, closing difference between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
and poor individuals cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
happy,
however
, I
firmly
believe that free education and health care are the most effective way to increase social happiness.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay Some people think that to ensure a happier society, there should be only a small difference in the earninings between the poorest and the richest members. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
280 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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