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Some people believe that the best way to produce a happier society is to ensure that only small differences between the richest and the poorest members. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people believe that the best way to produce a happier society is to ensure that only small differences between the richest and the poorest members. v. 1
Reducing the gap between the rich and poor members of society is considered by some people to be the optimal solution to achieving happiness. Although this method can make people happier by providing equality in societies and eliminating poverty, it is impossible to apply. I disagree with this argument and I believe there are other methods to provide happiness and satisfaction for people. Closing the gap between all members might be detrimental to societies. Firstly, if people in all professions received the same wages, this would promote laziness and individuals would instead pursue easy careers instead of competitive and demanding ones. For instance, people aspiring to become doctors or engineers to receive good salaries can instead work part-time in any industry and still get paid a high salary. Secondly, many people became rich because they worked hard, while many poor people were not born poor and were, in fact, wealthy but they wasted their money. Working hard would not be valued if all people in society were equally privileged. Instead of trying to eliminate the gap between the rich and poor, governments can work on providing more job opportunities. Doing this promotes equality in a more positive way and in many cases, poor individuals can become rich by working hard and demonstrating their talents. Moreover, a happy society highly depends on the services that governments provide for their people. For example, if all countries provided free health care and education for their citizens and developed the infrastructure, its people would certainly become happier. To conclude, governments should focus on taking care of their people by reducing the unemployment rates and subsidizing necessary services for its citizens. These measures are more likely to make people happy than merely trying to promote equality between society members.
Reducing the gap between the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
members of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
is considered
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to be the optimal solution to achieving happiness. Although this method can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
happier by providing equality in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
and eliminating poverty, it is impossible to apply. I disagree with this argument and I believe there are other methods to provide happiness and satisfaction for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Closing the gap between all members might be detrimental to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
.
Firstly
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in all professions received the same wages, this would promote laziness and individuals would
instead
pursue easy careers
instead
of competitive and demanding ones.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
aspiring to become doctors or engineers to receive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
salaries can
instead
work part-time in any industry and
still
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
paid a high salary.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
became
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they worked
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
were not born
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
and were, in fact, wealthy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they wasted their money. Working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
would not
be valued
if all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
were
equally
privileged.

Instead
of trying to eliminate the gap between the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
can work on providing more job opportunities. Doing this promotes equality in a more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
way and in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
individuals can become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
by working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
and demonstrating their talents.
Moreover
, a happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
highly
depends on the services that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
provide for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
For example
, if all countries provided free health care and education for their citizens and developed the infrastructure, its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would
certainly
become happier.

To conclude
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should focus on taking care of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
by reducing the unemployment rates and subsidizing necessary services for its citizens. These measures are more likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
happy than
merely
trying to promote equality between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
members.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that the best way to produce a happier society is to ensure that only small differences between the richest and the poorest members. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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