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Some people think that to produce a happier society is to ensure that there is only a small difference on the earnings of the richest and the poorest members. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people think that to produce a happier society is to ensure that there is only a small difference on the earnings of the richest and the poorest members. v. 2
There are people who believe that a happier nation is evaluated by a short gap of the income between the richest and the poorest people, but I do not agree with this point of view. I think that there are other factors contribute to the level of happiness of a society. To begin with, people would be happier if their needs met, especially in health care, education, infrastructure, and entertainment. Such essential needs are provided by the government, thereby the authority should be the one manages and has a fair system to use the income taxes received equally. Taxes, on the other hand, are contributed by the rich and the poor people, therefore a good tax system would help to reduce the gap and would make the community happier. For example, the wealthiest people would pay higher tax and the least poverty classes pay less amount. And, the government should use that money to pay back for the benefits of the whole nation by giving free access to healthcare, education or entertainment. On the other hand, shortening the gap of the income between the rich and the poor is not a good strategy because it could not make the world strive for a better. Firstly, if everyone gets the same amount of what they work for, no one wants to work harder and thinks differently. As a result, the country could not develop well because everyone has the same standards. Besides, people become lazier and more laid-back and that would not make people happier. In conclusion, I think the government plays a vital role in controlling the public money and helps society become happier by enhancing local tangibles, not by cutting the salaries between the richest and the poorest.
There are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who believe that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happier
nation
is evaluated
by a short gap of the income between the richest and the poorest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this point of view. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that there are other factors contribute to the level of happiness of a society.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happier
if their needs met,
especially
in health care, education, infrastructure, and entertainment. Such essential needs
are provided
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
, thereby the authority should be the one manages and has a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
system to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the income
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
taxes
received
equally
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Taxes
,
on the other hand
,
are contributed
by the rich and the poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
therefore
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tax
system would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the gap and would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happier
.
For example
, the wealthiest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would pay higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tax
and the least poverty classes pay less amount. And, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
that money to pay back for the benefits of the whole nation by giving free access to healthcare, education or entertainment.

On the other hand
, shortening the gap of the income between the rich and the poor is not a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
strategy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it could not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the world strive for a better.
Firstly
, if everyone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
the same amount of what they work for, no one wants to work harder and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thinks
differently
.
As a result
, the country could not develop well
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
everyone has the same standards.
Besides
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
become lazier and more laid-back and that would not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
happier.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
plays a vital role in controlling the public money and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
society become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happier
by enhancing local tangibles, not by cutting the salaries between the richest and the poorest.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that to produce a happier society is to ensure that there is only a small difference on the earnings of the richest and the poorest members. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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